The funniest things.....

post your most funniest things found in the garden here

 

Ok not a strictly gardening theme to this joke but it has connections with the banned lists

Customer: Worcester sauce crisps please

Shopkeeper: Sorry can't, it's off the shelves, cancer scare.

Customer: Oh right, Chinese Chicken Wings?

Shopkeeper: Ah that's the same , Cancer scare

Customer: Hamburger Relish?

Shopkeeper: Cancer scare

Customer: Sausage and Mash?

Shopkeeper: Cancer scare

Customer: Cottage Pie?

Shopkeeper: Yes, ...no wait, Cancer scare.

Customer: So they're all off the shelves because of a Cancer scare?

Shopkeeper: Yes

Customer: (sigh) Just give me a packet of fags then.

Shopkeeper: Certainly. �£4.50 please.

Customer: Thanks

 

lol Steve I got a good one too...there was a Garden lol
========This is funny....

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the removalists come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a kilo of prawns, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Verdelho.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten prawn shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rats, wondered if Creepies come from the Garden, Carpets were steam-cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time, they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house..The maid quit... the Gardener quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even their estate agent refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home and Garden terribly, and she would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.

...including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????
===================================

 

Sorry Nathan ... took longer then I thought lol

 

Ferns v flowers
With fronds like these who needs anenomies.
sorry.

 

Good one Revin lol

 

Another revenge joke. Apols if you've heard it before.

A married couple are driving along a road doing a steady 40 miles per hour.

The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married
for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55mph

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60.

I want the car, too," he continues. 65mph.

And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.

"The airbag."

Bayleaf

 

OMG!!! LMAO!!! That is sweet revenge!

 

SteveW, Ladybird RevinH and Bayleaf - well done - more like these please.


P.S. What does LMAO mean please Dee. :confused:

[ 22. August 2005, 07:46 PM: Message edited by: jjordie ]

 

Laughing My A** Off

 

Thanks for the info :rolleyes: more to use! Is there a 'dictionary' of these abbreviations?

[ 23. August 2005, 09:50 AM: Message edited by: jjordie ]