Todays Joke Thread....

:D

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen, Ugh!"

The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You shouldn't take that, you should tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."

:eek:

 

I just love the old ones BM. :D

 

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure the headaches you've had all these years. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for but he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need .... a new suit. That'll make me feel a little better. " He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . Size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16 1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see. Size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since before I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head. "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."


New suit - �£400
New shirt - �£36
New underwear - �£10
Second opinion - PRICELESS

 

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night a drunk leads the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup" replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "You friggin' IDIOT!...it's ten past three in the morning!"

 

Knock Knock...

 

Who's there?

 

Alvin!

 

Alvin who?

 

Alvin a great time, how about you?

 

Alvin another litre.

 

:D

 

oh just noticed BM.. Anagram :rolleyes:

 

Must be time for a new one then