A Joke or Two... 2014

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have
boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but
returns
to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad
does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to
play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he
talks, the dumber he gets.'

 

There is a factory in Northampton which makes Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Elsie is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager, Mary's door.
The Foreman, Mick, throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that Elsie is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides she should see this for herself, so she and Mick march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Elsie surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

Mary and Mick watch in amazement as Elsie cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics she pulls herself together and approaches Elsie.

'I'm sorry,' she says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles'.

 

I decorated a hall, stairs and landing for a young couple some years ago. I stopped for a cup of tea and started looking at their CD collection which was in a shelved cabinet in the hall. I noticed that they were all in alphabetical order and neatly lined up along the shelves. I don't know why, but before I went I rearranged them into a random order.

I got a deep sense of satisfaction from that.

 

http://biggeekdad.com/2013/06/ten-pound-note/

 

In an attempt to hide the fact ,that she was serving Venison for the first time, my wife didn't tell the boys what was in the Meat Baps they were eating for tea.

When they asked me I said,"I'll give you a clue, It's what Mummy calls me when she's talking about me to your Gran".


"Don't Eat It ", Shouted the oldest boy, "It's A F****** Dick".

 

A Southern gentleman went to Las Vegas.
Sitting in a cocktail lounge he beckoned the waitress and said quietly,
"Miss, y'all sure are a Luvly, Luvly Luvly Lady, can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?".

"Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl,then she looked around the room, smiled and said, "sure, why not?, you're an attractive guy too and it's pretty slow here right now so why don't we just slip away up to your room".

When they returned half an hour later the man sat down at the same table and the waitress smiled at him and asked,"will there be anything else?".

"Why Yes" replied the southern gentleman.
"Ah sure preciate what Y'all just did for me, it was real sweet and right neighbourly of Y'all".

"But where Ah come from in Alabama, we lack our Bourbon real cold"



"So Ah still need a piece of ass for mah drink"..

 

A woman has given birth outside the Primark in Birmingham, with staff helping deliver the child and promptly putting it to work.

 

I went to our local Indian restaurant on Saturday.
The waiter who brought our food had a spoon in his top pocket.
"Why have you got a spoon in your pocket?" I asked.
He replied, "A spoon is the most often dropped piece of cutlery. By carrying a spoon in my pocket I can save about 3 hours a month going to fetch one".
I then noticed I noticed a piece of string hanging from the crotch of his trousers. He was a bit embarrassed but explained.
"When I go for a wee I can pull the little chap out using just the string. Since I haven't touched him I do not need to wash my hands, saving about another hour and a half a month".
"Wow, I'm impressed," I said, "But once you've had a wee how do you get it back in your trousers?"
"Easy," he says, "I use the spoon."

 

Arjen Robben
Goes down easier than a thirsty tourist in Magaluf.

 

A Mother Superior was taking a bath,
there was a knock on the door,
She says,"Who Is It?".
A male voice responds," The Blind Man"
After a few moments of deliberation,
the Nun says,"Come In",
the man enters and says,
"Nice breasts Miss , where do you want me to hang the Blind?"..

 

There's this couple, he's 87 and she's 86 years old.
They just got married and are on their Honeymoon.

In the hotel room , she slips into something sexy and crawls into bed and waits for her new groom.

He's in the Bathroom sprucing himself up, she waits---and waits---and waits till she can't wait any longer.

She get's up and goes to the bathroom and opens the door.
Peering in she sees him bent over on the toilet trying to put on a Condom.
She asks, "Honey, what are you doing?" and giggles.
"I'm 86 years old and I can't get pregnant any more"

He looks up at her and says,----------,


"I know, But Honey, you know how the dampness affects my Arthritis"..

 

Michael Palin: Ahh.. Very passable, this, very passable.
Graham Chapman: Nothing like a good glass of Chateau de Chassilier wine, ay
Gessiah?
Terry Gilliam: You're right there Obediah.
Eric Idle: Who'd a thought thirty years ago we'd all be sittin' here
drinking Chateau de Chassilier wine?
MP: Aye. In them days, we'd a' been glad to have the price of a cup o' tea.
GC: A cup ' COLD tea.
EI: Without milk or sugar.
TG: OR tea!
MP: In a filthy, cracked cup.
EI: We never used to have a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled
up newspaper.
GC: The best WE could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.
TG: But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor.
MP: Aye. BECAUSE we were poor. My old Dad used to say to me, "Money doesn't
buy you happiness."
EI: 'E was right. I was happier then and I had NOTHIN'. We used to live in
this tiiiny old house, with greaaaaat big holes in the roof.
GC: House? You were lucky to have a HOUSE! We used to live in one room, all
hundred and twenty-six of us, no furniture. Half the floor was missing; we
were all huddled together in one corner for fear of FALLING!
TG: You were lucky to have a ROOM! *We* used to have to live in a corridor!
MP: Ohhhh we used to DREAM of livin' in a corridor! Woulda' been a palace
to us. We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woken
up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us!
House!? Hmph.
EI: Well when I say "house" it was only a hole in the ground covered by a
piece of tarpolin, but it was a house to US.
GC: We were evicted from *our* hole in the ground; we had to go and live in
a lake!
TG: You were lucky to have a LAKE! There were a hundred and sixty of us
living in a small shoebox in the middle of the road.
MP: Cardboard box?
TG: Aye.
MP: You were lucky. We lived for three months in a brown paper bag in a
septic tank. We used to have to get up at six o'clock in the morning, clean
the bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down mill for fourteen
hours a day week in-week out. When we got home, out Dad would thrash us to
sleep with his belt!
GC: Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at three o'clock in the
morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, go to work at the
mill every day for tuppence a month, come home, and Dad would beat us
around the head and neck with a broken bottle, if we were LUCKY!
TG: Well we had it tough. We used to have to get up out of the shoebox at
twelve o'clock at night, and LICK the road clean with our tongues. We had
half a handful of freezing cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day at
the mill for fourpence every six years, and when we got home, our Dad would
slice us in two with a bread knife.
EI: Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an
hour before I went to bed, (pause for laughter), eat a lump of cold poison,
work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission
to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad would kill us, and dance
about on our graves singing "Hallelujah."
MP: But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't
believe ya'.
ALL: Nope, nope.

 

Put at full screen.

 

Two Aspirin
A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks, gets in the mood but
true to his wife goes home.
When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide
open.
He gets two aspirin and drops them into her mouth.
Of course, she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my
mouth??"
He says, "Two aspirin".
She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE"!
He says, "That's what I wanted to hear."