A Joke or Two... 2014

One morning a man comes into church on crutches.
He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both legs, then he throws away his crutches.
The alter boy witnessed the episode and ran to the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye ,the priest says:

"Son you've just witnessed a miracle",
"Tell me , where is this man?".


"Flat on his Ar** father, over by the holy water", say's the alter boy..

 

(To A Wife A Husband Is Like A Pack Of Cards).

She needs a Heart to love him.


She needs a Diamond to marry him.


She needs a Club to keep him in line.


She needs a Spade to bury the Ba**ard with.!!!.

 

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain
personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to
Brazil.
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the
transaction.

 

I've just got a group of muslim radicals together to form a retro boy band.

They're called Jihadiwaddy.

Rusty

 

A Guy was driving down a motorway in England with his Blonde girlfriend and she piped up,
"I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".
"Why do you think that?", he said.
"Well the kids are writing on the window and it says",

"Sboob Ruoy Su Wohs "..

 

(Sung to the tune of "Puff The Magic Dragon"),

Puff The Magic Dragon,
Didn't have a mate,
He frolicked in the autumn mist,
Accustomed to his fate,
Then at last he found one,
A cracking bit of stuff,
But he didn't know what to do,
That's why they called him Puff..

 

A Blonde chick gets a job as a Physical Education Teacher of 16 year old's .
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone,while all the other kids are running around having fun, kicking a football.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
"You Ok?, she asks.
"Yes", he replies.
"You can go and play with the other kids you know", she says.
"It's best I stay here" he says.
"Why's that sweetie?" asks the blonde,


The boy looks at her incredulously and says:
"Because I'm The Fu***** Goal Keeper!!"..

 

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to London, said the wife, 'I just found out I can get £100 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on £200 a year!'

 

Do you ever wonder why there are no dead Penguins on the ice in Antarctica?.
Where do they go?.
Wonder no more.

Its a known fact that the Penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.The Penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life,as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a Penguin is found dead on the ice surface,other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice surface using their vestigial wings and beaks,until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male Penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing::::::

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"Freeze A Jolly Good Fellow".

 

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are .
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

 

Two young boys are going to the Hospital the next day for operations.
Theirs will be the first on the schedule.
The older boy leans over and asks,
"what are you having done?"
The second boy says,"I'm getting my tonsils out,and I'm afraid".
The first boy says,
"You've got nothing to worry about,I had that done when I was four"
"they put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Ice Cream"
"it's a breeze".

The second boy then asks."What are you going in for?"
The first boy says,"Circumcision"

"WHOA!" the smaller boy replies,"Good Luck buddy, I had that done when I was born",
"Couldn't Walk For A Year" .

 

George Osborne saw a little old lady struggling with two heavy bags of shopping,

"You shouldn't be struggling with those two bags of shopping, let me help," he said.

So he halved her pension so she could only afford one in future,

 

I've just read that actor Orlando Bloom punched Justin Bieber last night during an argument at a nightclub in Spain.

Orlando complained that his hand was pretty sore today.

Apparently the entire nightclub had queued up to high-five him.

 

Jesus and Mo.

http://www.jesusandmo.net/archives/

 

A Baby was born so advanced in development he could talk.
He looked around the delivery room and saw the Doctor.
"Are you my Doctor?",he asked.
"Why, yes I am", said the Doctor.
The Baby said'"Thank you for taking such good care of me during the Birth".
He looked at his Mother and asked,"are you my Mother?".
"Yes dear,I am," said the Mother beaming.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born", he said.

He then looked at his father and asked ,"Are you my father?",
"Yes I am" his father proudly answered.
The baby motioned him closer, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger and says,

"Hurts , doesn't It !!!"..