A Joke or Two... 2014

Bloke comes home from work to find his wife in a complete new outfit with upmarket shopping bags littering the living room.
'Where did this all this come from?' he asks. She grins and says 'I won it in a raffle. Now be a dear and go and run me a bath'.
He toddles off and runs her a bath.
A couple of weeks later the wife comes in to the house and calls for help unloading the shopping from the car.
He can't but notice that instead of her old Peugeot he's unloading bags from a brand new BMW.
'Where did this come from?' he asks. She grins and says 'I won it in a raffle. Now be a dear and go and run me a bath'.
He dutifully does so while considering his wife's good fortune.
A week or two later as they are getting ready to go out to friends he notices the fancy necklace, broach and diamond earrings that his wife laid out ready to wear.
'Where did this lot come from?' he asks again. Once more she grins and says 'I won the set in a raffle. Now be a dear and go and run me a bath'.
Ever the obedient husband he goes and runs the tub. In to the en-suite she toddles.
'What the hell do you mean by this?' she yells to him.
He joins her in the bathroom.
'There's barely an inch of water in that bath.' she complains.
'Oh, yes, he says, 'I don't want to get your raffle ticket wet.'

 

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland the
teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my
mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says
there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher.
"Anyone else?"
Little Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door
neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says
it will take the contagious."

 

My apologies to any scousers (sorry, Liverpudlians)

Liverpool...!!!
A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer?
"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl.
"Ten?" says the welfare worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan."
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames."


A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take that red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."


Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny.


Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.


Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.


Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman.


Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool?
A. Father's day.


Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!


Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.


An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.


A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long, but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.
The Salary package is £200,000 a year.'
The Scouser said 'you’re shítting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'


Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car. It later turned out to be a tax disc.

 

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

 

Doctor, doctor, I'm turning into a dog.
OK, get on the couch and I'll examine you.
I'm not allowed on the couch.

 

The wife has just nominated me to do the ice bucket challenge I'm a little confused

Has anyone else been asked to hold a toaster at the same time?

 

I Recently purchased a young registered black Angus bull .
I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, I had the vet come and have a look at him.

He said the bull was very healthy but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The Bull started to service the Cows within two days, all my Cows!, he even broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbours Cows!, he's like a machine!.

I don't know what was in the pills the vet gave him,
but they kind of taste like Peppermint..

 

Has anyone else worked out yet, that all you need to do to halt the global spread of Islamic terrorism, is simply to stop the sale of Toyota pickup vans?

 

(WISE WORDS)
A Girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a Bra.
A Boy is grown up when he starts removing them!.

We all love to spend lots of money buying new clothes.
But we never realise that the best moments in life are enjoying without clothes.

Having a cold drink on a hot day,with a few friends is nice,
But having a hot friend on a cold night ,after a few drinks

PRICELESS..

 

Doctors at the London hospital which will be treating the British Ebola patient were asked what dietary facilities were in place. Doctors said that he would have toast in the morning, cheese on toast for lunch and jam on toast for tea. The doctors were asked if toast would help in his treatment. They said, "No, it's the only thing we can slide under the door."

 

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

 

My Wife and I were out for an Anniversary meal.

"Eurgh, Did you just pick your nose and wipe it under the table?" she asked,

"Errrrrrr, How did you know?",

"It's a glass table" , she retorted..

 

Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight.
It's an absolute mystery as to why though.

The plot thickens...