A Joke or Two... 2014

A Policeman was rushed to Hospital with an inflamed Appendix.
The Doctors operated and advised him that all was well. however the Patrol man kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got energy to pull his Hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of Adhesive Tape,the kind that doesn't come off easily ---- If At All.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence ::::::.

"Get well soon, from the Nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week"..

 

My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."

"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

 

(A EUROPEAN UNION DIRECTIVE).

In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, The Euro ,
All citizens of the United Kingdom and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the Phrase;;
'Spend A Penny' is not to be used after 31 December 2014..

From This Date Onwards, the correct term will be :::: 'Euronating'.

It Is Hoped that this will be a great relief to Everyone..

 

A man boarded a plane with six kids.
After they got settled in their seats a Woman sitting across the aisle leaned over to him and asked,
"Are all of those Kids yours?",

"No Ma'am, I work for a condom company and these are customer complaints,"..

 

(Never ask a Child an Ambiguous Question, Why We Love Children).

A Small boy is sent to bed by his Father, five minutes later,
"DA--------AD",

"WHAT!".
"I'm thirsty, can you bring me a drink of water?".

"NO,you had your chance, lights out".

Five minutes later----------"DAAAAAA--------AAAD-----",

"WHAT!,
"I'm thirsty can I have a drink of water?"
"I Told You NO!, If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!".

Five minutes later--------"-DAAA-------AAAD--------",

"WHAT!",

""When you come in to smack me , can you bring a Drink Of Water?"..

 

DESPITE advanced warning and a year on year increase in cases, the Nation’s wives and girlfriends are yet again completely unprepared for the impending moaning of men suffering from Man Flu.
Man Flu is known to be 1,000 times more excruciating than protracted childbirth (roughly 2.34 kicks to the testicles) and can go on to affect almost 100% of men in the winter months.
A new initiative launched today called ‘Man Flu is your flu too’, aimed at getting the female of the species more involved in nursing men back to health, has been critical of women’s role in the recovery process.
“I have suffered from Man Flu several times in recent years and it is the same old story,” explained Man Flu awareness advocate Ultan Roan, “I don’t like saying it but the women have to buck up, ya know. I can see it in my wife now already, I get the odd sniffle and off she goes with her ‘tutting’. My illness is serious and I wouldn’t mind the constant tutting only I’d hate to think what that and the rolling her eyes to heaven is doing for her voice and vision, ya know?”
Brave Ulton will be part of an awareness team which will give talks to women across the country detailing the harsh and often unreported side of the Man Flu epidemic.
“Just from the first few talks we’ve given you can tell they have no clue of the hardship. Did you know most of them didn’t know about that kind of scratchy feeling you can get at the back of your throat? Education is the key to achieving understanding of the affliction”, added Ultan.
Many women foolishly believe Man Flu is basically the same as another affliction called flu, which many women reportedly suffer from only to go about their business with very little moaning or disruption.
“To any woman laughing at the expense of these brave men, I ask them, have you ever been so sick that you can barely muster the energy to moan about how sick you feel,” an impassioned Health Minister, Iveno Vachscene said at the campaign’s launch.
“The Government has provided emergency funds to businesses to set up care areas for women who can’t stay at home to care for their Man Flu sufferers. Essentially it’s like creche for men only with soup, blankets, a bit of telly and reassuring words that confirm they’re not going to die.”

 

"You never surprise me" a woman moaned one day, to her long-suffering
husband.
"Buy me a surprise for my birthday. Something that can accelerate from 0 to
180 in under 4 seconds, and I'd prefer a blue one," she hinted.
Happy and excited she was counting down the days to her birthday...
Finally she got the beautiful present her husband had thoughtfully chosen
for her.































He's dead now, but he died a legend.

 

Tony was nine years old and was staying with his Grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while, when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?".
She was a little taken aback , but she decided to tell him the truth.
"It's called, adult sex darling!".
Tony said, " Oh, Ok, and went back outside to play with the kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

"Grandma!, it isn't called adult sex",
"It's called Bunk Beds! , and Jimmy's Mum wants to talk to you".

 

I've heard a rumour that for Jeremy Clarkson's next stunt, he plans to drive round Bradford in a Porche with the number plate J1HAD.

 

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our life.

Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I had started and hadn't finished and,before leaving for work this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys,
a butle of Wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminum scriptins,
the res of the chesescke an a box a Chocletz.

Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rit e now !..

 

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in Cork's Hospital.
The Doctor looked at Paddy and said,
"Lets be avin da fingers and I'll see what I can do".
Paddy said, "Oi haven't got da fingers",

"Whadda Ya mean, You haven't got da fingers?"
"Lord Tunderin Jesus It's 2013, we's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques"
"I could have put dem back on and made you like new!"
"Why didn't ya bring da fingers?".
And Paddy said:

"How Da Jasus Was I Spose To Pick Them Up!!!!!!"..