A Joke or Two... 2014

Some wedding photographers go to great lengths to make sure everyone is included in the pictures. Here's one of the best.

http://biggeekdad.com/2014/10/best-wedding-photographer/

 

Three women; one engaged, one married and one a mistress are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That night, all three will wear a leather bodice (S&M style), stilettos and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days, they meet again. The engaged girlfriend said, "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He looked at me and said: 'You are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long."

The mistress said, "Me too; the other night, I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night."

The married one said, "The other night, I sent the kids to stay at my mother's. I got myself ready; leather bodice, super stilettos and a mask over my eyes. My husband came back from work, opened the door and said: 'Alright, Batman, what's for dinner?' "

 

My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the mick out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.

I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.

 

Met A Neighbour and he was telling me that he was about 6 yrs old in WW2,and living in Bradford.
The air raid siren went off and his mother herded him and his siblings into the air raid shelter in the garden.
His Father was nowhere to be seen and his mother shouted- "Jack- where are you!!".

His voice came from the house-" I'm looking for my teeth"!.
His wife shouted- "They'll be dropping bombs, not Bloody Pork Pies , Get In The Shelter"..

 

A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded.

I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.

Rusty

 

( The Indian Taxi Driver).

A Drunken and totally naked woman jumped into a Cab late one night.

The Indian driver shook his head,opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman, he made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you Luv-, haven't you ever seen a nude woman before"?.

"I'll not be staring at you Lady. that would not be proper where I am coming from".

"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me, Luvvie, what are you doing then"?.


"Well I am looking and looking, I am thinking and thinking to myself",
"Where is this Lady keeping the Money To Be Paying Me"???????..

 

The Zimbabwe Cricket Board have just announced that they discovered Ebola in their cricket team.
But this has not caused any concern since they have also found Ebatsman and Efielda.

 

A Little Three Year Old Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet.
His Mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.
The little boy is gripping onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hitting himself on top of the head with his right hand.
His Mother say's :
"Billy ,are you all right,? you've been in here for a while".

Billy says: "I'm fine Mummy, I haven't Gone Poopy Yet".
Mother say's," ok you can stay here a few minutes, but Billy,"

"Why Are You Hitting Yourself On The Head?".

Billy Says:

"Works For Ketchup!". .

 

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room, and I said to her,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle,
"If that ever happens, just pull the plug!"

"She got up, unplugged the Computer and threw out my Brandy". .

 

According to the Bible, Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine,a country where people are called, Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir,Aziz, Ahmed,Farid,Omar,Youssouf,Mouloud etc etc.

Yet he managed to find 12 friends called, John,Peter,Paul,Philip,Mark,Thomas,Luke, Mathew,Andrew, and Simon----------Who all drank Wine.

That's What I Call A Miracle .

 

(A Groaner!!).

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.
He looked up to see where it came from, in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this your's ?" he asked.
She said,"Yes, could you bring it up?", and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink.
As she was very attractive he agreed, shortly afterwards she said,
"I'm about to have dinner there's plenty,would you like to join me?".
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.
As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said,"I've had an amazing evening, would you like to stay the night?".
The man hesitated then said," Do you act like this with every man you meet?".





"No", she replied, "Only those who catch my eye". .

 

My thoughts are with David Cameron this evening.

It must have been a terrifying ordeal, bumping into the average man on the street.

 

(The Drinkers Prayer)..

"Our Beer Which Art In Barrels,"
"Hallowed Be Thy Brew"
"They Will Be Drunk At Home, As It Is In The Pub."
"Forgive Us Our Daily Spillage, As Those That Spillage Against Us."

"Lead Us Not Into Wine Tasting",
"And Deliver Us From Alco Pops" ,
"For Ours Is The Bitter, The Lager And The Cider",

"For Ever And Ever",

"Barmen". .