A Joke or Two... 2014

Emergency.

Wife Texts Husband on a cold winters morning.
"Windows ,frozen, wont open".
Husband texts back,

"Gently pour some warm water over it".
Wife texts back 5 minutes later,



"Computer blew up".

 

I can to this day remember examining my private parts, when I was about three or four, while my mother was giving me a bath.
I said, "Mummy are these my brains?",


"Not Yet", she said.

 

An old man was relaxing at his 100 th birthday party when a reporter went up to him,
"Sir, what is the secret of your long life?".

The old man considered this for a moment, then replied:

" Every Day at 9 pm I have a glass of the best Brandy,good for the heart I've heard".
The reporter replied,"That's ALL?"
The old man smiled and said :,


"That, and cancelling My Voyage On The Titanic!!!". .

 

Back during the days of the Soviet Union, it took 10 years to get a car after you paid for one..

Once a young guy went to the car dealership to order a car,he paid his money, and then asked when can he come to get the car.

"It will be here ,waiting for you, exactly 10 years from today".

The man signed the paper, started walking away and then stopped, turned and asked the salesman:

"Wait , will it be ready in the Morning or in the Afternoon?".

"What difference does it make?", asked the salesman.

"Well," answered the man,


"The Plumber Is Coming In The Morning"..

 

I'm not suggesting it's posh where I live but I went to the park yesterday and the kids were feeding croutons to the ducks.

 

. (THE DOGGIES).

The Doggies held a meeting they came from near and far,
some came by motorcycle and some came by motorcar.
Each doggie passed the entrance each doggie signed the book,
then each unshipped his backside and hung it on a hook.

Now one dog was not invited and it sorely raised his ire,
so he rushed into the meeting hall and loudly bellowed 'FIRE!!!,
this threw them in confusion and without a second look,
each grabbed another's backside from off the nearest hook.

Now that's the reason why sir when walking down the street,
yes that's the reason why sir when doggies chance to meet,
yes that's the reason why sir on land or field or foam
they sniff another's backside just to see if it's his own...

 

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony, for dinner one evening. Anthony lives with his

female room-mate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.



Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama -- Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure."So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear MaMa,I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house and I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But, the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.Your Loving Son,
AnthonySeveral days later, Anthony received a response from his MaMa which read:
My Dearest Antonio,


I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your LovingMaMa

Moral: Never Bulla Shita you MaMa

 

NEWS FLASH-- Another boat intercepted off the South Coast of England.

News Flash from London.
The Royal Navy intercepted a boatload of people off the South Coast today.
This placed the Royal Navy in an awkward position, as the boat was not heading to the UK,but
towards the French.

Another surprise finding was the people were white UK retirement age Seniors.
There claim was that they were trying to get to France and wanted to return to the UK as illegal immigrants,
then they would be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate UK Retirees .

It is believed the Royal Navy gave them Food,Water , and Fuel and assisted them on their journey.

The Wife and I are booked on the next boat out,
Let me know if you want to join us..

 

A man received the following Text from his neighbour.

I am so sorry mate, I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around, in fact more than you.
I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again.

The man anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,and without a word shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second Text came in,


"Bloody Auto spell!!! I meant 'WiFi ', Not 'WiFe.' .

 

I supposed you're bored with the books you have at the moment.
Try these.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/ariannarebolini/bizarre-books-you-wont-believe-actually-exist

 

(FOR SALE).
Complete Set of Encyclopedia Britannica,
45 Volumes , Excellent Condition £200 ,or best offer.

No longer needed, got married last month.


The Wife Knows Every Fu**** Thing..

 

You'll enjoy this.