A Joke or Two... 2014

I will be watching Santa's journey on Norads website very carefully this year.

If he goes to West Africa before coming to the UK, I'm bricking the chimney up.

 

The Proclaimers' lawn is out of control and they're blaming B&Q.

They've been to Bathgate, no mower, Linwood, no mower, Irvine, no mower...

 

A recent newspaper reported that a Woman has sued St Luke's Hospital.

The woman stated that after her husband had surgery there, he has lost all his interest in sex.

A Hospital spokesman replied,----" Mr Anderson was admitted in Ophthalmology",

" All we did was correct His Eyesight"..

 

Rules for Christmas Enjoyment 1

Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

 

During a Lady's medical examination the Doctor says ,"Your Heart, Lungs,Pulse and Blood Pressure are all fine, now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble".


The Lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the Doctor.


"No,!No,!No! Dear, just stick out your Tongue",..

 

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.




A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"


The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"


The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"



The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

 

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,
>
> "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
>
> Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
>
> "Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
>
> Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f***k off!!!"

 

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.

They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

- - -

Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

Depends how much you've been drinking.

- - -

I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the rail-road tracks (Sweden)?

Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

- - -

Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

What did your last slave die of?

- - -

Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

- - -

Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

- - -

Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

- - -

Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

- - -

Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

You are a British politician, right?

- - -

Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

- - -

Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

- - -

I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

- - -

I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

- - -

Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

Yes, gay night clubs.

- - -

Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

Only at Christmas.

- - -

I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? (USA)

Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

- - -

Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

 

"Doctor Finlay!", is that a Rectal Thermometer you've got in your top pocket?".

"Aye Janet!, some bum's got ma Biro". .

 

Rules for Christmas Enjoyment 2

Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights

 

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"