A Joke or Two... 2014

A man went fishing one morning ,but after a short time ran out of prawn bait,then he saw a Redbelly Black Snake with a frog in it's mouth, frogs are good barracuda bait.

Knowing the snake could't bite him with a frog in his mouth, the man grabbed it right behind the head,took the frog and put it in his bait bucket.

Now the problem was,how to release the snake without getting bitten,so he grabbed his bottle
of Jack Daniel's and poured a little in the snake's mouth,it's eyes rolled back and it went limp.
The man released it into the Lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog bait.

A little later he felt a nudge on his foot,

It was that blooody snake again with two more frogs..



There must be a moral here . Is it Jack Daniels refreshes the parts that adders don't reach

 

Rules for Christmas Enjoyment 3

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

 

a man went to his doctor with a thorn stuck in his big toe , he explained to the Doctor how he had done it and with that the Doctor told him " strip everything off and stand by the window"
The man thought that's odd I only have a thorn in my toe and asked the Doctor it as a bit over the top I have to strip naked , the Doctor told him



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" I don't like the neighbours"

 

Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older..

Men have two emotions,Hungry and Horny,and they can't tell them apart.
If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

In the 60s, people took Acid to make the world weird.
now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers,
what you do today might burn your Ass Tomorrow.

Life is Sexually Transmitted.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather,
IT pays no attention to criticism.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,
teach a person to use the Internet and they wont bother you for weeks, months, years.

Don't worry about old age,
it doesn't last that long. .

 

Goodbye:
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened
to her prayers which ended by her saying, "God bless Mummy, God bless
Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say 'good-bye Grandpa?'"
The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to
do."
The next day Grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
prayers which went like this, "God bless Mummy, God Bless Daddy and
good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy cr*p!" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other
side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,
"God bless Mummy and good-bye Daddy...."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at
the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs all
day. He had lunch and watched the clock all afternoon... He figured if he
could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day
he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every
sound. Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went
home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's
the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of
my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened
to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting..."

 

Stephenson's Rocket Steam Locomotive from 1829.

 

Rules for Christmas Enjoyment 4

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

 

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.
The first man signed to his friend,
"My wife was asleep when I got home,so I was able to sneak into bed and not get into trouble".

The second deaf man signed back.

"Boy you're lucky, my wife was wide awake waiting for me in bed and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late".

The first deaf man asked. "So what did you do?".
The second deaf man replied,


"I turned out the light"!!!!. .

 

An old Lady walks into a Butcher Shop and asks for a Milwaukee chicken. The Butcher looks at her, scratches his head and puts a chicken on the counter.

The old lady sticks her finger in the chickens rear end sniffs her finger and says,
"That's not a Milwaukee chicken, that's a Rhodes Island red".

This continues until she finds a Milwaukee chicken."That one will do", she says.

Whilst the Butcher is wrapping the chicken the old lady says,"
"You are new here, aren't you, where are you from?".


The Butcher drops his trousers, bends over and says,


"You Tell Me !!!!!". .

 

Maxine took her car to her Mechanic, she told him,
"Every time I take any of my friends out in my car after a while there is this terrible smell ! it never happens when I am driving alone".

This intrigued the Mechanic, so he said,"Ok, lets go for a spin and see what the problem is".
Off they went. She drove down a one way street in the wrong direction at 70 mph,swerving,
hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a Policeman on street traffic duty, then they returned to the shop, and she said:

"There's That Terrible Smell !, Can You Smell It ?".





"Smell It ?, Lady, I'm Sitting In It !!".

 

Rules for Christmas Enjoyment 5

The Rocking Song

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

 

Rules for Christmas Enjoyment 6

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

 

The Problem with keeping a cow is they produce a lot of Methane Gas that contributes to global warming, destroying plants and trees,resulting in less life to absorb Carbon Dioxide, that also contributes to global warming.

So Basically , No matter what we do,

We are in the sh**. .

 

(Decision Maker).
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through read on.
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shake up hired a new C.E.O..
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the C.E.O noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, " how much money do you make in a week?".
A little surprised the young man looked at him and said,"I make £300 a week, why?".

The C.E.O. said,"wait right here", he walked back to his office, came back in 2 minutes handed the guy £1200 in cash and said,"here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.
Feeling pretty good about himself the C.E.O looked around the room and asked,

"does anyone want to tell me what that lazy character did here?".
from across the room a voice said,


"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's"..

 

I was in the queue at Starbucks this morning.
The man in front of me, asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas".
The guy was fuming "I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!", he raged,
"I'll just have to have a latte!". He went and sat down.

I went to the counter and said "I'll have a large latte too, please".
They asked me for my name.
I asked why they needed it and they told me that they'd write it on my cup and shout it when it was ready.

So I told them my name was Mocha.