A Joke or Two... 2015

Don't step on the Ducks !!

Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

 

Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story.

Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.
__________________

 

How smart is Your Right Foot ? ?

Just try this. It is from an orthopedic surgeon............ This will
boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you
can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's preprogrammed in your brain!

1. WITHOUT anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY.....) and
while sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift
your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right
hand. Your foot will change direction. I told you so!!! And there's nothing
you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the
day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

 

On a serious note. Would you like to help the Pacific North West Tree Octopus from extinction?

Have a look at this site.

http://zapatopi.net/treeoctopus/

 

Test for Dementia


Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....



First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?





















Answer:
If you answered that you are first, then you are

absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!


Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but


don'ttake as much time as you took for the first question, OK?


Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
































Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?



You're not very good at this, are you?















Third Question:

Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it..





Take


1000and add 40to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30 .

Add another


1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000

Now add 10. What is the total?


















Did you get 5000 ?



The correct answer is actually 4100.





If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
Maybe.




Fourth Question:



Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?























Did you Answer Nunu?
NO!Of course it isn't.
Her name is




Mary. Read the question again!




Okay, now the bonus round:



A


mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By

imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?


































He just has to open his mouth and ask....

It's really


very simple.. Like you!

 

http://unix.rulez.org/~calver/funny/swf/kill.swf

 

Faith can't move mountains.

But boobies do, apparently.

 

A Plane passed through a severe storm,the turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
One woman lost it completely.
She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed,
"I'm too young to die", she cried, then she yelled,"If I'm going to die,I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable, is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a Woman?".
For a moment there was silence,everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

The man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane,he was handsome,tall,well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time,
no one moved.
He removed his shirt, muscles rippled across his chest.
She Gasped ::::

Then he spoke ::::


"Iron this----And then get me a Beer". .

 

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

 

Job of a lifetime

TRUE STORY: Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park where cars and coaches can park. There was also a nice bloke with a hat and ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5. This parking attendant worked there for about 25 years , then one day didn't turn up for work...

Ho hum say Bristol Zoo management- Better phone up Bristol City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant......

Err no say the Council...That car park is your responsibility...

Err no say Bristol Zoo the attendant was employed by you
wasn't he....Err NO!!!!

Sitting in his villa in Spain is a bloke who had been taking the car park takings for Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years...

 

Never knew you could plant doughnut seeds. You'd probably need high temperatures for them to germinate, though.

Video of how to do it here.

http://biggeekdad.com/2011/09/redneck-gardening/