A Joke or Two... 2015

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to the nearest town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a
"YE-e-e-e-H-a-a-a-a", so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final
"YE-e-e-e-e-H-a-a-a-a", and rode off.


"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?",asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing", the woman answered,
"I sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around him, and held on to the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off".


"Lady", the attendant said,

"Indians don't use saddles!"..

 

Idiot Sighting, Airport.
I was at the Airport, checking in at the gate when an Airport employee asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage ,without your knowledge?".
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?".

He smiled knowingly and nodded,
"That's Why We Ask!"..


Idiot Sighting, Food Service.
My Daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a Taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for "Minimal Lettuce".

He said he was very sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce..

 

An Italian lady, a Greek lady and an English lady got into a lift.
The Italian lady asks the Greek lady what was the beautiful odour coming from her,
"It,s my perfume which my husband buys for me and it cost £250 an ounce",replied the Greek lady.
"But tell me what is that beautiful odour coming from you"? the Greek lady asks the Italian lady.
"That is my perfume which my boyfriend buys for me and it costs £350 an ounce replied the Italian lady.
Just then both the Italian lady and the Greek lady looked around and said,
"What is that odour?"

The English lady said,



"Baked Beans, 99 pence a tin". .

 

Marriage is like playing with a pack of cards.
At the start you need 2 hearts and a diamond.

At the end you want a club and a spade..

 

Syria has appealed for international assistance today
A boatload of 500 Greeks arrived seeking a better life.

 

Picked up a Gypsy girl in a pub last night.
She invited me back to hers for a good time.

She wasn't kidding:::::::,




I went on the Dodgems,Ghost Train, Waltzer ,and came home with 2 goldfish in a bowl.!.

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you s*xually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh*tting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.

 

There was a young bloke called Menzies
Whose kisses sent girls into frenzies
But a virgin one night
Crossed her legs in a fright
And fractured his bifocal lenses