A Joke or Two... 2015

They're back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank Goodness for the
church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church
bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water'. The sermon
tonight: 'Searching for Jesus'.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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And this one just about sums them all up:
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

 

Rather naive young man goes to meet his girlfriend's family as an engagement is nearing.

Father: "I hope you will have a happy and fulfilling life together, but I fear I should warn you, Penelope has acute angina."

Young Man: " Yes I know, and a lovely pair of boobs too."

 

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple whiskey on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that bloody mooching Nun again is it?"

 

"Now there's a man with an open mind -
you can feel the breeze from here!" (Groucho)

 

My wife came in out of the garden and said, "Three pairs of my knickers are missing off the line."

I said, "I know, the kids from next door have them."

She said, "Why have they got them?"

I said, "They were playing pirates and they wanted some sails for their galleon."

 

(The Melting Pot).

In a Train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy, you set yourselves apart too much".
"You resent immigrants and you are reluctant to accept new democratic ways of doing things".
"You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us".
"We Americans appreciate diversity and innovation and welcome incomers".

"Look at me---I'm me--- I have a little Italian in me, a bit Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood, What do you say to that?".


The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looked over his glasses and replied,






"How Very Sporting Of Your Mother!!". .

 

Headlice are now resistant to the usual medical treatments.

The problem has scientists scratching their heads.

 

I said to the missus earlier,

"Darling, when I die I'm leaving everything to you."

"Why break a habit of a lifetime?" she replied.

 

A young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting continuously.

"That's disgusting!" shouts the girl.

"It's the dog," proclaims the guy.

"Don't blame him," she replies, "he was cooked perfectly."

 

NEWSPAPER HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030

"OZONE CREATED BY ELECTRIC CARS NOW KILLING MILLIONS"

"WHITE MINORITIES STILL TRYING TO HAVE ENGLISH RECOGNIZED AS THE UK'S THIRD
LANGUAGE"

"CHILDREN FROM TWO-PARENT, MARRIED, HETEROS*XUAL FAMILIES BULLIED IN
SCHOOLS FOR BEING 'DIFFERENT'. TOLERANCE URGED"

"MANCHESTER SCHOOLGIRL EXPELLED FOR NOT WEARING A BURQA"

"JAPAN ANNOUNCES THAT THEY WILL NO LONGER CONSUME WHALE MEAT AS WHALES ARE
NOW EXTINCT, AND THE SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH FLEET ARE UNEMPLOYED. UK
GOVERNMENT HAS TOLD THE JAPANESE THAT GREY SQUIRRELS TASTE LIKE WHALE MEAT"

"BRITAIN NOW HAS TEN UNIVERSITIES OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS. PROFESSOR
GOLDMAN OF LSPC SAYS THERE IS STILL A LONG WAY TO GO IN THE FIGHT TO STOP
PEOPLE SAYING WHAT THEY THINK"

"BRITAIN'S DEFICIT £10 TRILLION AND RISING. GOVERNMENT DECLARES RETURN
TO SURPLUS IN 100 YEARS WHICH IS 300 YEARS AHEAD OF TIME. PRIME MINISTER
MOHAMMED YOUSUF CLAIMS INCREASED GROWTH THROUGH MORE IMMIGRATION IS THE
SECRET TO SUCCESS"

"BABY CONCEIVED NATURALLY. SCIENTISTS COMPLETELY PUZZLED"

"IRAN STILL ISOLATED. PHYSICISTS ESTIMATE AT LEAST TEN MORE YEARS BEFORE
RADIOACTIVITY DECREASES TO SAFE LEVELS"

"FRANCE PLEADS FOR GLOBAL HELP AFTER BEING TAKEN OVER BY ISLAMIC COUNTRIES.
NO OTHER COUNTRY COMES FORWARD"

“JOSE MANUEL RODRIGUEZ BUSH SAYS HE WILL RUN FOR 2ND TERM AS US
PRESIDENT IN 2032"

"POST OFFICE RAISES PRICE OF STAMPS TO £18 AND REDUCES MAIL DELIVERY TO
WEDNESDAYS ONLY"

"AFTER A TEN-YEAR, £75.8 BILLION STUDY COMMISSIONED BY THE LABOUR PARTY,
SCIENTISTS PROVE DIET AND EXERCISE IS THE KEY TO WEIGHT LOSS"

"AVERAGE WEIGHT OF A BRITISH MALE DROPS TO 18 STONE"

"JAPANESE SCIENTISTS HAVE CREATED A CAMERA WITH SUCH A FAST SHUTTER SPEED
THEY CAN NOW PHOTOGRAPH A WOMAN WITH HER MOUTH SHUT"

"SUPREME COURT RULES PUNISHMENT OF CRIMINALS VIOLATES THEIR CIVIL AND HUMAN
RIGHTS. VICTIMS TO BE HELD PARTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR CRIME"

"AVERAGE HEIGHT OF PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL PLAYERS IS NOW NINE FEET, SEVEN
INCHES"

"NEW LAW REQUIRES THAT ALL NAIL CLIPPERS, SCREWDRIVERS, FLY SWATTERS AND
ROLLED-UP NEWSPAPERS MUST BE REGISTERED BY JANUARY 2035 AS LETHAL WEAPONS"

"INLAND REVENUE SETS LOWEST TAX RATE IN DECADES AT 75 PER CENT"

"BRADFORD WIN FA CUP FINAL, BEATING HINDU HORNETS 4-1"

 

Glasgow Flights
Airplane Food - True Story

Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from
Glasgow, the lead flight

attendant for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful
announcement..:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been
a terrible mix-up

one minute prior to take-off by our airport catering service.... I don't
know how this has happened

but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner
meals...

I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued.. ,

"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can
eat

will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

Her next announcement came 90 minutes later...

"If anyone would like to change their minds,

we still have 40 dinners available."