A Joke or Two... 2015

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
Whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color
Of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said,
'So why is the groom wearing black?'

 

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in
the first place!

 

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!"
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

 

A young boy stares at an old man's face then asks
"why do you have so many lines on your face?"
The old man smiles and replies "they are laughter lines"

The boy pauses...thinking hard...then says
"well, it must have been a VERY funny joke!"

 

An angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking, and sex if she wants to get into heaven. The woman said she would try her best.

The angel visited her a week later to see how she was getting on. "Not bad," said the woman. "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and when my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he made love to me right then and there."



"They don't like that in heaven", said the angel.

The woman replied, "They're not too happy about it in Costco either!"

 

Imagine if your precious nose
were sandwiched in between your toes,
that clearly would not be a treat,
for you'd be forced to smell your feet.

 

Taking a wee break from the Golf Course, Rory Mcilroy drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station.
The attendant greets him in a typical Irish manner,unaware who the golf pro is-----.
"Top o' the mornin to ya".
As Rory gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"What are those things laddie?",asks the attendant.
"They're called tees". replied Rory.

"And what would ya be usin em for now?" enquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replied Rory.


"Aw Jaysus, Maryan, Joseph !" exclaims the attendant,


"Those Fellas at the Mercedes think of everything !"..

 

( For People Who Like Facts ).

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from the mouth to the stomach.

A human hair can support a 3kg weight.

The length of a penis is three times the length of a man's thumb.

The femur is as hard as concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

Women blink twice as fast as men.

We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance while we stand.


A woman has read this entire text while a man is still looking at his thumb..

 

A husband and his wife are standing at the the window admiring their garden.
"Sooner or later you're gonna have to make a proper scarecrow to keep the birds off the flowerbeds" says the wife.
'Why, what's wrong with the one we've got?' asks the husband.
Nothing ' replies the wife, ' but mothers arms are getting tired'.

 

most beautiful women walks straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

 

Do NOT watch if you're easily spooked.
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