A Joke or Two... 2015

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 am,and asked where he is going at that time of night,
the man replied,

I am going to a lecture about alcohol and the effects it has on the human body and the family environment".

The officer then asked ,"Oh Really?, who is giving that lecture at this time of night?".
The man replied,


"That would be the wife"..

 

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=600974490054870

 

Walking Down The Aisle..

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my Missus walking down the Aisle towards me.
My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable, it seemed to take an age.


But eventually ,there she was,standing beside me.
I gave her a Loving smile and said,



" Get that trolley over here Love, They're doing 3 packs of beer for the price of 2 "..

 

A Family took their frail elderly mother to a new Nursing Home and left her,hoping she would be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathed her,fed her a tasty breakfast, sat her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.
Two nurses rushed up to catch her and straightened her up.

Again she seemed okay but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side, the nurses rushed back once more and brought her back upright.
This went on all morning.
Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

"So Mum, How Is It Here?, Are They Treating You All Right?".

"It's Pretty Nice", she replied,











"Except They Won't Let Me Fart"..

 

On the fourth day of their honeymoon the 21 year old bride was begging for mercy from her 75 year old husband.
Rather than endure another lovemaking session, she slipped out the room while he was showering,and went to the hotel coffee shop.
The waitress,who had served the couple breakfast each day was shocked at the woman's appearance.
"Honey you're just a young thing",she remarked,"but you look like hell,what's up?".

"I've been double crossed ", the miserable bride moaned.
"When he said he'd been saving up for 50 years, I thought he meant cash" .

 

Accompanied (By) Baggage.


An Airline introduced a special package for business men,
'Buy your ticket Get Your Wife's Ticket Free' .

After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip?.

All of them gave the same reply::::::: " What Trip ?"..

 

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "When was I born?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

 

"Mummy, Mummy! can I have this plesaseeeeeeee?"
"No, Damien, put it back. I've told you before, comics are a waste of money."

"Will there be anything else, miss?"
"Errr, two lucky dips on the Euro and four scratchcards, please."

 

My new neighbour knocked on my door a few weeks ago to ask me about decorating his front room...

"Mr Smith, your front room is similar to mine" he said, "How many rolls of wall paper did you buy?"

"nine" I said,

He came back yesterday............................

"Mr Smith! I still have three rolls of wall paper left??"

He replied..."Funny that....so did I",

 

An Englishman walks into a bar............




There's usually a Scotsman, Welshman and an Irishman too, but they're still at the Rugby World Cup..