A Joke or Two... 2015

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I nearly fell in.

 

I went to the pub last night and saw a FAT chick dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

 

A woman goes to see her gynecologist, complaining of pain in her aviaries.
"Your aviaries?" says the gynecologist. "Surely you mean your ovaries?"
"No Doctor. It's my aviaries."
"OK. Pop up on the couch and I'll have a look."
A few minutes later...
"I see what the problem is. You've had a cockatoo up here.

 

Silly Sally went to the show. A man sat down beside her and put his hand down the front of her blouse.

Silly Sally just laughed and laughed 'cause she knew she had her money in her shoe!

 

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.
They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,
"What's Wrong With Your Feet?"
"Your toes look all mangled and weird"

"I had Tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean Polio?", she asked.
"No Tolio, the disease only affected my Toes".

When the groom took off his trousers his bride once again asked,
"What's Wrong With Your Knees?,
"They're All Lumpy And Deformed".

"As a child, I also had Kneasles", he explained.

"You Mean Measles", she asked.

"No Kneasles, it was a strange illness that only affected my Knees".

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.


As the undressing continued her husband at last removed his underwear.


"DON'T TELL ME", She said.




"Let Me Guess "------------------------------------------------------------- "Smallcox?". .

 

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=697850666942211

 

' (Our Health Service Has Deteriorated)'.

A phone call was received at the local hospital,a man enquiring on the status of James Edwards in ward 7 A.
The receptionist checked the records and replied,"Sir, Mr Edwards is doing well,his blood pressure is down, his tests came out good, and he's due to be discharged tomorrow".

"Well that's good news, thank you".

"Sir are you Mr James Edwards Son?"


"No I'm Mr James Edwards",


"And In here nobody ever tells me Blooooody Anything". .

 

A Marriage Broker goes to see Mr Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for years.

"Mr Cohen, don't let it get too late I have exactly the one you need, you only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!", says the marriage broker.

"Don't bother,replies Mr Cohen, I've two sisters at home who look after all my needs".

"That's all well and good,but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife",says the broker.






"I Said two sisters-----------------------I Didn't say they were Mine!". replied Mr Cohen..

 

(Peace Brother).

It's only when you see a Mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence..





A Baby changes your Dinner Party conversation from Politics to Poops..

 

RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:
-----------------------------

This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca <last name deleted and Gary <last name deleted


Creative Writing
-----------------------

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The
process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting
to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first
paragraph of a short story.

The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third
paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been
written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is
over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

----------------------------------------------------------------

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
camomile, which used to be her favourite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that
he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her
mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought
about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was
out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to
think about than the neurosis of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named
Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S.
Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator.
"Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before
he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and
blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct
hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,"
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one
lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy
peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty
through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile
alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within
two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on
course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire
planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their
diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million
other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference
table. "We can't allow this !! I'm going to veto that treaty !!
Let's blow'em out of the sky !!!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered, tedious, neurotic whose attempts
at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Asshole.

Bitch.

--The end.

 

How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.

 

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause.

With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes.

With male menopause, you get to date young girls and ride motorcycles.

 

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted!