A Joke or Two... 2015

Anagrams:.

PRESBYTERIAN.
when you rearrange the letters.
BEST IN PRAYER.

ASTRONOMER
when you rearrange the letters,
MOON STARER.

THE EYES.
when you rearrange the letters,
THEY SEE.

THE MORSE CODE,
when you rearrange the letters,
HERE COME DOTS.

DORMITORY,
when you rearrange the letters,
DIRTY ROOM.

SLOT MACHINES,
when you rearrange the letters,
CASH LOST IN ME.

ELECTION RESULTS,
when you rearrange the letters,
LIES LETS RECOUNT.

THE EARTHQUAKES.
when you rearrange the letters,
THAT QUEER SHAKE.

ELEVEN PLUS TWO,
when you rearrange the letters,
TWELVE PLUS ONE.

MOTHER IN LAW,
when you rearrange the letters,
WOMAN HITLER. .

 

Letter to helpline

Hi Bob,



I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.


Is this something I can have welded or do I need to replace the whole bracket?


Thanks,

 

Little Johnny wanted to go to the Zoo and pestered his parents for days.
Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?", his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great", little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?",asked his mother,
"Yeah, daddy especially liked it", exclaimed little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30-1.".

 

Your answer?




Here are some possible answers.

Answer: Who said 9?
Answer 1 NONE, the other 9 would fly away.
Answer 2 NONE, the hunter missed, and they all flew away.
Answer 3 ONE, the dead one, because the other 9 would fly away.
Answer 4 NINE, the hunter used a silencer, and the nine didn't hear the
bullet. The dead one was shot off the roof.
Answer 5 TEN, the hunter used a silencer, and the nine didn't hear the
bullet. The dead one was not shot off the roof.
Answer 6 - TEN, the hunter used a silencer, he missed, and the ten didn't
hear the bullet.

 

A Man is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.
He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
A Genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

"I want to live forever".
"Sorry," said the Genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life".

"Ok, Then" I want to die after a Tory Government balances the Budget and Eliminates the Debt".








"You Crafty F-----", said the Genie..

 

Have you been injured by a coalition that wasn't your fault?

 

The British Penny*

*European Union Directive No. 456179 **
*
In order to bring about further integration with the
single European currency, the Euro,

all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain
and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase

“ Spending a Penny” is not to be used after
31 December 2014
From this date onwards, the correct term will be:
“Euronating” .

It is hoped that this will be a great relief to
everybody.

 

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

 

And Now For Some Puns.

A Woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal', the other goes to a family in Spain,they name him, 'Juan'.
Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're Twins !",


'"If you've seen Juan you've seen Ahmal"'.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know,walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet he suffered from bad breath.

This made him :' A Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis. '
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was the person who sent 10 different Puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the Puns would make them laugh.


'No Pun In Ten Did'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll Go And Get My Jacket. .

 

Liverpool airport has been shut for the past 8 hours due to a "Suspicious car".

Apparently it had a tax disc, insurance and the radio was still in it

 

Gordon Ramsay has been ordered to pay £1.6 million after losing a legal battle with his father-in-law over pub rent.

If you want to know what it feels like to receive a bill that threatens you with financial ruin - try eating at one of his restaurants.

 

A Traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room.
As the clerk fills out the paperwork the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby.
He tells the clerk to wait, while he disappears into the lobby.
After a minute he comes back with the girl on his arm.

"Fancy Meeting My Wife Here", he says to the clerk.
"Guess I'll Need A Double Room For The Night".
Next morning he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over £2000.

"What's The Meaning Of This ?" he yells at the clerk, I've Only Been Here One Night!!!".







"Yes", says the clerk, "But Your Wife Has Been Here For Three Weeks !!". .

 

James, an 84 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical.
The following week, the doctor noticed James walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor and his wife were having dinner in a local restaurant when James and the same young lady came in.
They greeted the doctor at his table and James thanked the doctor for the check up and said that the excellent advice he'd been given had improved his life immensely .

The Doctor said,"You're really doing great aren't you?"
James replied," Just doing what you said Doc , 'Get A Hot Mama And Be Cheerful'.

The Doctor said," I Didn't Say that---I said,:::


"You've Got A Heart Murmur, Be Careful" !!!. .

 

That Vincent Van Gogh was in our local the other day.

I asked him if I could buy him a pint and he said "No thanks, I've got one 'ere".