A Joke or Two... 2015

I was standing at the bar in Dublin when a Chinese Guy comes in,stands next to me and starts to drink a pint of Guinness.

I said to him " Do you know any of those Martial art things,like Kung Fu, Karate, or Ju Jitsu?".
He says "No, why you ask me that,is it because I am Chinese?".

I said "No, it's because your drinking my Guinness". .

 

(The Drinkers Prayer).

"Our Beer which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy brew,

They will be drunk at home as it is in the pub,
Forgive us our daily spillage,
as those that spillage against us,

Lead us not into Wine tasting,
And deliver us from Alcopops,

For ours is the Bitter, The Lager,
And the Cider,

For Ever And Ever ,

Barmen. .

 

ketchup guacamole variety

 

The Minister gave his Sunday Morning Service as usual, but this particular Sunday it was considerably longer than normal.
Later at the door, shaking hands with Parishioners as they moved out one man said: " Your sermon Pastor was simply wonderful, invigorating and inspiring and refreshing".
The Minister of course, broke out a big smile, only to hear the man add,




"Why , I felt like a new man when I woke up!"..

 

Had a power cut today. Lap-top didn't work, TV didn't work, couldn't play golf as it was pouring down. Decided to make a coffee but the kettle didn't work. Chatted to the wife for a couple of hours and she seems quite a nice person.

 

A woman went into a bar and saw a Canadian Mountie with his feet propped up
on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. She asked him if was
true what they say about men with big feet.
The Mountie grinned and said, "Sure is, little lady. Why don't you come
over to the barracks and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thanks, ma'am. I'm real flattered. nobody ever
paid me for my services before."
She told him, "Don't be flattered...take the money and buy yourself boots
that fit.

 

Subject: The Mexican Maid
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about
this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increase."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so. "
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did"
Wife increasingly agitated:
"Oh he did, did he???"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
"And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora....... The gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"

 

Subject: A Male Fairy Tale !!
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry
me?"
The Princess said, "No!!!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and associated
with skinny long-legged big-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced
cars and went to strip bars and dated women half his age and drank whisky,
beer and Captain Morgans and never heard bitching and never paid child
support or alimony and kept his house and golf clubs and ate spam and chips
and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at
work and all his friends and family thought he was cool and he had tons of
money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The End

 

Welsh and Numbers

Two Welshmen, Dylan and Glyn, are sitting on a park bench reading their newspapers.

Dylan notices the headline, '12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed.'

Turning to Glyn, Dylan (Dull'un) enquires, 'Just how many is a Brazilian?'

.................................................. ..

Classic Welsh Rugby Joke

Q: What do call an Englishman holding a bottle of champagne after a 6 Nations game?

A: Waiter.

 

An old man who was hard of hearing took his Wife with him when he visited the Doctor for his annual check up.
As they were leaving, the Doctor said to the wife,
"Next time he comes in bring a urine sample, a semen sample and a faeces sample"
When they got outside the old man cups his hand to his ear and says to his wife,
"What did he say," What did he say ?". the wife answered,


"He said ,the next time you visit bring a pair of your underpants" ..

 

Romance Is Not Dead.
An older couple were lying in bed one night.
The Husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood,and wanted to talk.
She said,"You used to hold my hand when we were courting".
Wearily he reaches across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me".
Mildly irritated , he reached across ,gave her a peck on the cheek,and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said,"Then you used to bite my neck".
Angrily he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?", she asked.







"To Get My Teeth !"..

 

A Teacher asks her class to use the word Contagious .

James ,the teachers pet puts his hand up and say's,"Last year I had measles and my Mum said it was Contagious".

Anyone else she asks.

Little William jumps up and say's, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad say's It Will Take The Contagious". .

 

The Church Dinner - everyone needs a smile now and then!!!


A group of friends from the Cottonwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize and play games.

The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Bill and Jean to be the hosts, Jean wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak.

But mushrooms are expensive. She told her husband, "No store bought mushrooms.They are too expensive." He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushroom are poison."

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."

So Jean decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Jean watched Ol' Spot. The wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Jean even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized and played cards and dominoes.

About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Jean's ear, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot is dead."

Jean went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care 0f it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMT's and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach. The scene was not pretty.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left. The lady helper came in and whispered to Jean, "You know, that fellow that run over Ol' Spot never even stopped."

 

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for a clue.

"Well", he said,"It's what mummy calls me sometimes".
The little girl screams to her brother,







"Don't Eat It, It's An Ass**** !"..