A Joke or Two... 2015

Time to invest in a magnifying glass Woo?

 

decided to go to the Mosque for the first time.

I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said

by the will of Allah the all Mighty and the Prophet Mohamed you will walk today.


I told him I was not paralysed.


He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing.

Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.. After the prayers I stepped outside and, lo and behold, my bike had been stolen.

 

An Oxfordshire woman has pleaded with the government today to let her husband of 12 years die with dignity after been diagnosed with influenza last week.
Susan Casey, who has been forced to care for her partner John, said she will take the case to the high-court to establish a right to end his life.
“I just want to put him out of his misery,” said the mother-of-three, “All he does is groan in agony every time I enter the room. His constant whinging is starting to upset the children and I don’t think we can take it much longer”.
John Casey, once a healthy and cheerful insurance salesman, was given the dreadful news after a routine checkup by his local GP.
Following a series of tests, the 39-year-old was diagnosed with the influenza virus and was told the best thing he could do is go home and get some rest, as there was nothing the doctor could do for him.
As of yet, there is no known cure for the infectious disease, leaving the Casey family no other option but to help John euthanize himself before he becomes any worse.
“We’ve already accepted it,” explained son David, who is debating with his sister over who gets their father’s car. “To be honest, it will be a relief when he’s gone. He’s better off dead. I don’t want to remember him like this. It’s tough, but we all have to move on with our lives”.
Fortunately, Susan Casey managed to secure a £500,000 insurance policy on her husband in the event of his death.
“A small part of that will go to his funeral arrangements and a skip for his belongings,” she added. “It’s amazing the junk people gather over the years”.

 

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet...red-of-dinosaurs-being-forced-on-our-children

 

the wife says she wants to see "Fifty shades of grey"

so I'm gonna get all my vests and pants out of the drawer

 

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said " 'ave ya ever been fu***d laddie?"

The man broke into a big smile and said "No".

She said "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

 

A woman in her early forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called “The Key,” where a small key placed on the back of a woman’s head can be turned to tighten her skin to create the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted “The Key.”
Over the years, the woman tightened the key with wonderful results – the woman remained young and vibrant looking.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
“For 15 years, everything has worked fine. I’d turn the key and love the result. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won’t get rid of them.”
The doctor looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.”
She nodded. “No point asking about the beard then . . .”

 

Have you heard about that awful pub called the Fiddle?

It really is a vile inn.

 

Admin , I think we need a grimace icon for Kindreds last joke

 

Got this one

 

A guy goes to the Olympics and sees a man carrying a long pole.

The guy asks - Are you a pole vaulter?

The man replies - No I'm German - how did you know my name is Walter?

 

A Man staggered into a hospital with concussion,multiple bruises,two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped around his throat.
Naturally the Doctor asked him,
"What happened to YOU?".

"Well I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife,when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. we went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something at it's rear end, I walked over, lifted it's tail,and sure enough there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cows bottom."

"Still holding the cows tail up, I yelled to my wife,"

"HEY, This Looks Like Yours!".





" I don't remember very much after that!"..

 

Never Cheat On A Country Girl.

A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With super human strength,borne of fury,and cutting firewood,lifting sacks of feed,and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs,out the back door,and into the Barn.

She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up an old carpenters saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified and hollered, " STOP! STOP ! you're not gonna cut it off with that Rusty Old Saw,are you?".

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husbands hand and said--,










"Nope ---you are, I'm Gonna Burn Down The Barn!!!!"..