A Joke or Two... 2015

I don't know why everyone's going crazy about the photo of a weasel riding on the back of woodpecker. Isn't that what happened at the last election?

 

A Lawyer boarded a plane in New York with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crews refrigerator .
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen.
He mentioned in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in London, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin.

"Would the Lawyer who gave me the crabs in New York please raise your hand"!

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:::
(1) Lawyers are not as smart as they think they are.

(2) Blondes are not as dumb as some people think..

 

"My wife said she's leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with plants!
I said where's this stemming from petal?"

 

I was standing in a queue behind a fat woman with
a huge arse, when her phone started bleeping.
A little boy behind her said "F**k me she's reversing!!"

 

Famous last words

- "what does this button do?"

- "nice doggie...."

- "pull the pin and count to what?"

- "don't be so superstitious"

- "now watch this

 

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice, to the crowd of drinkers he says,
"I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers,I'll give $500 American Dollars to anybody in here who can drink Ten pints of Guinness back-to-back".
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texans offer, one man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. the Texan says yes and asks the Bartender to line up Ten pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all Ten of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin, where did ya go for that thirty minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies,

"Oh------, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first". .

 

Have You Ever Wondered What The Difference Between Grandmothers and Grandfathers Is,?
Well Here It Is.

A Friend who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort to be with his family on the weekends.
Every Sunday morning he would take his 7 year old Granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time, just him and his Granddaughter.
One particular Sunday, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their Granddaughter out.

"Well did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?"
"Oh Yes Grandpa", the girl replied.
"And you know what Grandpa?",


"We Didn't see a single RRRSOLE, Dip Sh--t , or Horses RRRS"

"Anywhere We Went Today!". .

 

A Passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed,lost control of the cab,nearly hit a bus,drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said,
"I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me".

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realise a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, No,I'm Sorry, It's Entirely My Fault"
"Today is my first day driving a cab"















"I've Been Driving A Hearse For The Last 20 Years"

 

LOYALTY.
Friendship Between Women.
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friends house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends,
None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men.
A man didn't come home one night,
The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house.
The woman called her husbands 10 best friends,
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over,and two claimed,
He was still there..

 

An Elderly man went to his doctor and said," Doctor I think I'm getting senile, several times lately I have forgotten to zip up".

"That's not senility", replied the doctor,
"Senility is when you forget to zip down"..