A Joke or Two... 2015

- I'm not saying he has delusions of grandeur but if you say "what a beautiful day" he replies "Thank you!"

- How do you keep an idiot in suspense?..........(I'll tell you later)

- Doctor tells a man "you've got hypochondria"; man says "not that as well!"

- I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I didn't like being spoken to in that voice.

- Crime in a multi storey car park....that's just wrong...on so many levels...

- I went to the doctors. He said "you've got hyprochondria." I said "Oh no not that as well!"

 

A Cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Saratoga, Wyoming.
He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chilli.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it,the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowboy,"If you Ain't Gonna Eat That, Mind If I Do?".
The old cowboy slowly turns his head towards the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, " Nah, You Go Ahead".
Eagerly the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.
He immediately barfs up the chilli back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says:


"Yep That's As Far As I Got Too". ..

 

(THE END IS NEAR).

Sean is the Vicar of a Protestant Parish in Western Newfoundland ,and Patrick is the Priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.
One day they are seen together erecting a sign which says:
'The End Is Near'
'Turn Yourself Around Now'
'Before It Is Too Late'.

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells:

"Leave People Alone, You Religious Nuts, We Don't Need Your Lectures"!!.

From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.

Shaking his head Patrick says, "Dats Da Terd One Dis Mornin".

"Yeah", Sean agrees , then adds,

"Do Ya Tink maybe Da Sign Should Just Say",


"Bridge Closed"??..

 

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner
after 25 years in a Tipperary parish. A leading local
politician and member of the congregation was
chosen to make the presentation and give a little
speech at dinner. He was delayed, so the priest
decided to say his own few words while they were waiting.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the
first confession I heard here. I thought I had been
assigned to a terrible place. The very first person
who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a
television set and, when questioned by the police, was
able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money
from his parents, embezzled from his employer,
had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal
drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But
as the days went on I knew that my people were not all
like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish
full of good and loving people.".....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician
arrived full of apologies at being late. He
immediately began to make the presentation and gave
his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish
priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had
the honour of being the first one to go to him in
confession."

 

A plane was taking off from Shannon recently and when it reached it's cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Liam Walsh. Welcome to Flight 293, Shannon to Heathrow. The weather ahead is good and therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax and...............Oh! My God!!!!!!

Silence followed and after a good few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the stewardess brought me a cup of coffee and unfortunately spilled it into my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!"

A voice from the back shouts up, "That's nothing! You should see the back of mine !!!! "

 

A man had great tickets for the FA Cup Final.

As he takes his seat, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting beside him.
"No," he says, "it's empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final and not use it?"

The first man says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first FA Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh!.....I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or a relative or even a neighbour - to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

 

They sat down upon the riverbank,
He was all a quiver,
He undid her suspender belt,
and.......her leg fell in the river!

 

This guy stood on the side of the road in Leitrim, hitch-hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was wild and wet and no cars passed. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet in front of him. Suddenly out of the blackness he saw a car come towards him and stop.

The guy, without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only then to realise there was was no-one driving! But then the car started moving slowly at first, then started gathering pace. The guy looked out through the windscreen and saw a bend coming up; scared he started praying and begged for his life. Suddenly a white ghostly hand came through the open window and moved the wheel. The guy was rooted in terror to his seat and remained paralysed as every time a bend came up, the same ghostly hand would come in through the window and move the steering wheel!

When a straight bit of road came up, he gathered his strength, got out of the car and ran towards the nearest town. Soaking wet and in shock he ran into a pub and asked for a double whisky. He started telling everyone around him about the ghostly car and the horrible experience he had just gone through. The whole pub went silent when they all realized that the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

A few minutes later, two guys walked into the pub and one said to the other, "Look Paddy, there's the idiot who climbed into our car while we were pushing!"
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And there I was, in the pub. And there was this old man and woman sitting in the corner and they were each served a bottle of lemonade. This was a long time ago, mind you. When people drank lemonade. Don't see that now. All lager louts now.

Anyways, he pops off the cork and there an almighty explosion and the cork hits the ceiling! He screams "Oh! My God! I've been shot!"

His wife retorts with "Pity you weren't!"




And in the same pub, a few years later. This pub, mind you, had no toilets then. When you wanted to go, you went out the back.

Anyway this local character goes out the back to relieve himself and in the yard, Stacia, the landlady kept a few geese.

Back in from the yard he comes screaming "That gander almost took off my pecker!" Quick as flash, Stacia retorts "What YOU have, wouldn't choke him!"

 

Well, there was my old friend Socks McNamara drinking in the bar. Drinking in the bar all day, mind you!

So Socks looks out of the window and sees a fairground opposite and one of the stalls is a rifle range. “I know,” says Socks, “I’ll have a go at that.”

So he goes across the road, goes up to the rifle range, gives his money to the stallholder and then BAM! BAM! BAM! He gets three bull eyes! The stall holder is a little shocked but gives out a prize anyway.

After another hour or so in the bar, Socks looks out the window again and fancies his chances on the rifle range again. He staggers out of the bar, across the road. BAM! BAM! BAM! Another three bull eyes! The stall holder, a bit taken aback at the state of Socks staggering all over the place, gives him a second prize.

Another hour or two pass and Socks fancies his chances again. He’s well and truly sozzled now. He goes out of the bar, falls down the steps, picks himself up and then crosses the road with car horns blaring all over the place while he weaves from side to side.

He goes up to the stall holder, pays his money and, well, the stallholder can’t believe it. Socks is totally unable to stand up straight but BAM! BAM! BAM! He gets three more bull eyes. The stall holder says, “I’m sorry I’ve no more tortoises as prizes but would this giant teddy bear do instead?” “What!” says Socks, “I thought they were steak and kidney pies!”
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And there I was down in West Limerick, visiting my old friend Connie.

Connie had this story to tell.

He'd invited some friends of his from Amerikaaa over. To fill in one of the days, after one of the Amerikaaaans had suggested he liked shooting, Connie asked his next door neighbour, a big farmer with a herd of thoroughbred Limousins, if they could shoot on his land.

"No problem," said his neighbour, "and while you're at it, could you put a bullet through that poorly looking cow over there. I don't think he'll last the week and it would be better to put him out of his misery." Connie agreed.

Next day they all assembled in the field next door to begin their day's shooting. Connie suddenly remembered the farmer asking him to put the sickly cow down so he picked up his gun and put a bullet through the poor thing.

Next thing, bang, bang, bang! and in a cloud of smoke, 11, very expensive, superb, prized Limousins went down, shot by his American friends!!!!!!!

 

And that reminds me..................

This pure true now!................

A friend of mine who was a priest out in Seth Africa.........South Africa to you, madam..........was telling me this story. And it's pure true!

A guy used to collect patients from a mental hospital near Durban and take them to other nearby mental hospitals in a minibus.

He collected about 10 patients this particular day but the hospital he had to take them to was a long way away and he got thirsty along the route.

He stopped outside a small shebeen beside the road, checked that his patients were securely locked inside his minibus and went inside.

An hour later he came out to find.........What was this? The patients had managed to undo the lock on the passenger door of the minibus and were gone! Nothing to be seen of them!

Now he was in a real quandary. He'd lost his patients and would also probably loose his job. He was in a right mess.

So he drove off, pulled up at the next bus-stop and let 10 people on and drove without stopping to the hospital with the passengers locked inside the minibus. He ran up the steps of the hospital, said his cargo had given him a lot of trouble en-route and that they would need extra help shepherding the patients into the hospital. About 20 nursing staff came out and bundled the protesting passengers into the hospital.

It was 3 days before the passengers could convince the hospital staff that they were not really mental and should be released! ********************************************

 

A Travellers' wedding occurred, just outside town. Everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families had a storming row and began wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police got called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appeared in court. The fight continued in the court room until the Judge finally brought calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court."

The courtroom goes silent and Whacker (the best man) stood up and said, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened". The Judge agreed and asked Whacker to take the stand. Whacker began his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Travellers' wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK."

"Well," said Whacker, "after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song...when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded... "God.. that must have hurt!"

Whacker replied "HURT? HURT? He broke three of my fingers."
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