A joke or two - 2016

( An Australian Love Poem ).

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a blooody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word,

Sa Ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab,

So your belly Isn't flat no more
I tell Ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle Ya
i can get my arms round there,

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know Ya did Ya Best,

I'm tellin Ya the truth now
I never tell Ya Lies
I think it's very sexy
That you've got dimples on Ya Thighs

I swear on me Nanna,s grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get.

No matter what U look like
I'll always Love Ya Dear
Now shut up while the Footy's on
And fetch another Beer. .

 

SMILE - FUNNY
A Lonely 70-Year-Old Widow ...
decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"

The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

 

The Scottish Power Lifting champion this year was a granny aged 65 years young.



She lifted 500 pounds off her bills by fiddling her Gas Meter. .

 

True Story.
My Daughter, who is a nurse told me this, this morning.

A woman was being examined in hospital by a Doctor. After the examination the Doctor said to the woman," Our Diagnosis are that you are pregnant"!.
The woman on hearing this got rather Indignant, saying," That's Impossible Doctor"!! and she rambled on with various suggestions.
The Doctor said," I Can Assure You Mrs B--------, You Are Pregnant.

The Woman eventually accepted the findings from the Doctor and staff and said "thank you".

On her way out out of the Doctors she stopped, opened the door, turned round and said Jokingly to the Doctor, in a Broad Scottish Accent ::::::::

" Aye Right Enough Doactur , Ye See Um A Right Heavy Sleeper"..

 

Subject: Late night election results

JOHN GALT’S BREAKING NEWS


HILLARY BLAMES LOSS ON LOW DEAD VOTER TURNOUT


ACORN PRESIDENT BAFFLED BY LOSS, I VOTED FOR HER 8 TIMES???????


HARDWARE STORES IN NEW YORK REPORT A RUN ON SLEDGE HAMMERS AND POWER DRILLS BY THE CLINTON FOUNDATION


HILLARY AWAKENED SCREAMING BY HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE--ATTORNEY GENERAL RUDY GIULIANI


LARGE FIREWORKS DISPLAY FOR SALE CHEAP


NOT A DRY EYE IN RED STATES OR A DRY SEAT IN MEXICO


RELOCATION SERVICES BAFFLED BY LACK OF CALLS FROM HOLLYWOOD


CLINTON FOUNDATION FLOODED WITH EMAILS DEMANDING REFUNDS


AL GORE BLAMES HILLARY’S LOSS ON GLOBAL WARMING


OBAMA PREPARING PRESIDENTIAL PARDONS FOR HIMSELF AND ENTIRE DEMOCRAT PARTY


IRS HAS JUST GIVEN IMMEDIATE BLANKET APPROVAL TO ALL TEA PARTY APPLICATIONS


MAINSTREAM MEDIA PUT ON SUICIDE WATCH


HILLARY HAS REDUCED SPEAKING FEES FROM $250,000 TO $250.00


TIM KAINE ARRESTED AT 4:00 AM FOR DUI AFTER LEAVING HILLARY VICTORY PARTY


IRANIAN LEADERS HEARD SCREAMING “LIFE TO AMERICA”


ANTHONY WEINER FOUND DEAD AFTER SHOOTING HIMSELF SIX TIMES IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH A SINGLE SHOT RIFLE

 

Murphy’s Law: Anything that can go wrong, will.

O’Toole’s Law: Murphy was an optimist.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

 

I thought this up myself whilst at work the other day. It has probably been done before though.

Edit: I forgot to add the joke
What do you call a dog, that can swim under water? A SubWoofer

 

Wheelchairs are GO!

 

More Rolex watches have been reported stolen on the Costa del Sol than have ever been manufactured.

 

Might be the Rolex watches sold on the beach genuine Rolex at 10 euros :-)

 

http://www.wimp.com/brass-band-multitasker/

 

A quote from an anonymous author:

“We have two ends
With a common link;
With one we sit,
With one we think.
Success depends
On what we use;
Heads we win,
Tails we lose.”

 

Brilliant Beijing Hotel Brochure - Translated as only they can.

Getting There: Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel: This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant: Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room: Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! ... You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed: Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above All: When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.