A joke or two - 2016

Little Johnny was playing with his fathers coin purse when he accidentally swallowed a Penny.
He went crying to his Mum,choking on the Penny.
They took him to a Doctor who said that the Penny was impossible to remove without Surgery, they consulted a Specialist who was of the same opinion.

A man came along who said he could get the Penny out in a Jiffy.
He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of the neck, and sure enough the Penny Rolled out.

Everyone was amazed, the Father said,

"You Must Be An Expert!!!"

The man replied,


" No Sir, I Am Just A Tax Collector"! .

 

The Mexican Maid asked for a pay Increase, the Wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She Asked," Now Maria,why do you want a pay increase?".

Maria:, "Well, Senora,there are Tree reasons why I wanna increaze, the first is that I iron better than you".
Wife:, "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria:, "Jor Hozband, he say so".
Wife:, "Oh Yeah?".
Maria:,"The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you".
Wife: ,"Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?".
Maria:,"Jor Hozband did".
Wife:,Increasingly Agitated:, " Oh Did He?".
Maria:,"The third reason is that I am better at sex than you, in bed".
Wife:,Really boiling now and through gritted teeth,"And did my husband say that as well?".

Maria:" "No Senora--------------The Gardener Did".


Wife: " How Much Do You Want?"..

 

I liked that one

 

A Priest was leaving his mission in the jungle where he had spent years civilizing a tribe of natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
The priest takes the chief for a walk in the jungle.
He points to a tree and says to the chief,"This is a Tree".
The chief looks at the tree and grunts,"Tree".
The priest is pleased with the response.

They walk a little further and the priest points to a Rock and says,"This is a Rock ".
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts,"Rock".
The Priest was getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As they peek over the top he sees a couple of natives in the midst of very heavy sexual activity. The priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man Riding Bike".
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief,telling him that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilised and to be kind to each other,and now,"How could you just kill these people in cold blood?".


The Chief Replied::::::::::::::




"My Bike". .

 

A Man walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.
He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
A Genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.
The man thinks for a moment and says,"I want to live forever".
"Sorry",said the Genie," I'm not allowed to grant eternal life".


"Ok, then, I want to die after a Labour Government balances the Budget and eliminates the Debt".


"You Crafty Swine", Said The Genie..

 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B6W5Eai1t8VEOHpTRGlmUjRUS2s/view?pref=2&pli=1