A joke or two - 2016

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?".
She answers "I'm moving to London !, I heard that prostitutes there get paid £200 for what I'm doing to YOU FOR FREE !".

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, " I'm coming too",








"I want to see how you live on £400 a year !"..

 

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law,
Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my
wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get
home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked
with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! It's unforgivable! This is the
end of our marriage –

I'm done, I'm leaving forever!

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law.

"There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a
thing! There must be a simple explanation.

I'll go and speak to her immediately and find out what happened. "

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"Paddy - there, I told you there must be a simple explanation.

She never got the email !"

 

I have found out through the school of hard knocks that humour can be a dangerous thing!!.

A guy walked into a crowded bar waving his un-holstered pistol and yelled,

"I have a colt M1911A1 with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife?".

A voice from the back of the room called out,



"You Don't Have Enough Ammo Pal !!!".

 

Last valentines the Mrs calls me in a jealous rage, saying the other girls in the office received flowers and that "they are absolutely gorgeous".

"That's probably the reason they received flowers then " I replied.

 

I left school with all sort of awards and trophies. However the police caught up with me and I had to give them back.

 

A man went into the dentist's surgery and said.
"Doctor, I think I'm a moth"
The dentist told him he should see a psychiatrist and asked him why he came to see a dentist.
He replied, "Your light was on."

 

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls
We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls.
Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical
Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby!"

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal .

 

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of class was scratching his crotch,and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The Teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did and returned to his class,suddenly there was a commotion at the back of the room.
The teacher went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mum!", she said.

"I did", he said,"and she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school". .

 

Five Surgeons from big cities are discussing, who makes the best patients to operate on.

The First Surgeon, from Edinburgh says,"I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up everything is numbered".

The Second Surgeon from Birmingham,responds,"Yes, but you should try Electricians!, everything inside them is colour coded".

The Third Surgeon, from Oxford says, "No, I really think Librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order".

The Fourth Surgeon ,from Glasgow chimes in,"You know, I like construction workers, these guys always understand when you have a few parts left over".

The Fifth Surgeon from London shut them all up when he observed ,"You're all wrong,Politicians are the easiest to operate on,there's no guts,no heart,no round parts, no brains,no spine, plus, the head and the bottom are interchangeable..

 

While stitching a cut on the hand of an old farmer,whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle,the doctor struck up a conversation with the old farmer.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old farmer said,"well as I see it most politicians are 'Post Turtles'.

Not being familiar with the term,the doctor asked him what a 'Post Turtle', was.

The old farmer said,"when your driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a Turtle balanced on top, that's a 'Post Turtle'.

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctors face so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself",
"He doesn't belong up there",
"He doesn't know what to do while he's up there",
"He's elevated beyond his ability to function",

"And you just wonder what kind of dumb **** put him up there to begin with".

 

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf ,one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without any argument go directly to the golf course,meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said,"lets do it! we'll make it a priority:figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning".
Months later, that special morning arrives, and they are on the golf course.

The first guy says:"Boy this game cost me a fortune, I bought my wife a Diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off".

The second guy say's," I spent a ton too,my wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her, she was up to her eyeballs in brochures".

The third guy say's," well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual".

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game !,
"I slapped my wife on the bum and said",

"Well Babe, Merry Christmas ! it's a Great Morning--------- Intercourse or Golfcourse ?".




She said------ " Don't Forget Your Hat !". .

 

Today is International Woman's Day.
It Was Supposed To Be Yesterday,
But They Took Longer Than Expected To Get Ready. .

 

A young girl walks into a Supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke with whom she had sex the previous evening, after they met in a Pub.

He was stacking Washing Powder Boxes on shelves in Tesco.

"YOU LYING RAG",she yells,
"Last Night You Told Me You Were A Stunt Pilot".

"No",he says, " I Told You I Was A Member Of The Ariel Display Team".. .

 

Simon and Peter were walking by the sea of Galilee when a stranger approached and addressed them.
"Who are you?" asked Peter.
"I am your master" was the reply.
"You can't be" said Simon,"He was killed on a cross".
"How may I prove it?" the stranger replied.

"Do one of your miracles," suggested Peter, "and as we are near water what about walking on it, as you did before ?"

They all got into a boat and the stranger got out and started to walk on the water but slowly started to sink, and they had to pull him onto the boat.

"That indicates to us that you are not who you say,otherwise it would have been easy," said Simon and Peter.



"Not So", said the stranger, "As I did it the last time without holes in my feet". .