A joke or two - 2016

When creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all the corners of the world.

And then he made the Earth round..

 

The three wise men walked into the stable. One stood on a rake which came up and the handle smacked him in the nose.
"Jesus Christ", he cried.
Mary looked up and said,

"Hey that's a good one",

"I was going to call him Ben"..

 

Supermarkets ought to stop selling shredded cheese. We need to make Britain grate again.

 

A German lorry driver was shooting his mouth off in a Newcastle pub and was increasingly annoying some local H.G.V. drivers by his boasting.
He said that he drives from Hamburg to Newcastle in less than two days in his superior Mercedes, when the lazy British drivers take a lot longer for the same journey.

An elderly gent at a nearby table intervened and said with a very posh accent that he used to load up in Newcastle, go all the way to Hamburg,drop off his load and be back in Newcastle that same evening.
The German said,"Oh,Ant Vot Rig Ver You Using"?.

The posh gent took a slow drink of his Newcastle Brown Ale and said------------------,





"A Lancaster Bomber"..

 

A Balding,white haired man walked into a jewellery store last Friday with a beautiful much younger woman at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend .
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £4000 ring.
The man said,"No,I'd like to see something more special".

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over,
"Here's a stunning ring at only £30000", the jeweller said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said," We'll take it". .

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated,"By Check".
"I know you need to make sure my check is good,so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds.".
"I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon".

On Monday, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said,
"Sir---There,s No Money In That Account" .

"I Know",said the old man---------"But let me tell you about my weekend"..

 

The Damned British

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was staggering through the Afghan

Desert when he saw what he thought was an oasis on the horizon.

Hoping to find water, he hurried on, but he only found a lone British
Soldier selling regimental neck ties from the back of a vintage Bentley.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water sir, the well is dry. Would you
like to buy a neck tie instead? They're only 5-pounds each."

"You idiot infidel!@ the Taliban shouted, I do not need an over-priced tie.
I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"No problem sir," said the soldier,
"It doesn't matter if you hate me.

If you continue over that hill for about two miles, you'll find the
Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need.. "

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away and over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped

..... "Curse all of you! They won't let me in without a f....ing
tie........!"

 

A wife asked her husband to peel half the potatoes and put them in the pot.

 

A man returns home a day early from a business trip, it's after midnight.
When En-Route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, the man suspects his wife is having an affair,and he would like to catch her in the act, for £100,the cab driver agrees.

Quietly arriving home the husband and the cab driver Tip-Toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights,yanks the blanket back,and there is his wife in bed with another man!.
The husband puts a gun to the man's ,the wife shouts,"Don't do it! I lied when I told you I Inherited money,He paid for the Mercedes I gave you, He paid for our new cabin cruiser,He paid for your football season ticket, and He paid for our new house on the Costa Del Sol, He paid for our golf club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side to side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cab driver and says,"What Would You Do?". The cab driver replies::

"I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches cold"..

 

No bench but why ? No reason to photoshop I can see.

 

(Here's Something For The Philosophers).

You may remember there was an American T/V show some years back,called 'CHEERS'.
It was set in a bar in an East Coast City,as I recall,a diverse crowd of regulars would wander in after work and chew the fat.
Overheard at the bar:
"Well you see,Norm,It,s like this: A herd of Buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest Buffalo, and when the herd is hunted It's the slowest and weakest ones at the back that get taken first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,because the general speed and health of the herds keep improving by the regular killing off of the weakest members".

"In much the same way,the Human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest Brain cells".
"Now as we know, excessive consumption of Alcohol kills Brain cells,but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest Brain cells first".
"In this way,regular consumption of Beer eliminates the weaker Brain cells,making the Brain a Faster and more Efficient Machine".

"And That NORM, is why you always feel Smarter after a Few Beers".



I Must Go Away And Think About That. .

 

Did you know that if a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds?

 

Do Be Careful.

After my recent Prostate examination at the Hospital,which was one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had, the doctor left and the nurse came in.

As she shut the door,she asked me a question I didn't want to hear--------


She said--------- "Who Was That Guy?" ..

 

Two Mexican Detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How Was He Killed?", asked one detective.

"With A Golf Gun ", the other detective replied.

"A Golf Gun !, What is a Golf Gun ?",


"I Don't know, but it sure made a Hole In Juan". .

 

Moe::" My wife got me to believe in Religion".

Joe ::" Really?".

Moe::"Yes, until I married her I didn't believe in Hell"..