A joke or two - 2016

Getting Older. .

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone ?
that's common sense leaving your body.

When I was a child I thought' Nap Time' was a punishment
Now as a grown up ,It feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is,
"I don't need to write that down,I'll remember it".

Of course I talk to myself,
Sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting Lucky", means walking into a room and remembering what I went in there for.

I don,t have any Grey Hair, I have "Wisdom Highlights",
I am just Very Wise. .

 

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

"DOG PERSON"

TO TRULY APPRECIATE THIS STORY

"Stay!"

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,

"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said, (this is going to hurt-- read on)

"Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station, this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."

 

While shopping for vacation clothes my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.
It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit so I sought my husbands advice.
"What do you think", I asked.
"Should I get a Bikini or an all In One"?.

"Better get a Bikini, he replied,

"You'd never get it all in one".

He's still in intensive care..

 

A little boy went up to his Father and asked,"where did my intelligence come from"?.

The Father replied,"Well son,you must have got it from your mother,cause I still have mine".

 

In this picture, the portrayed captain is the one who sank the COSTA CONCORDIA ship

translation as follows:
I can take you to Italy!!!
Immigration problem-solved.

 

LEXOPHILIA

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro - what a rip off!

• Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.

 

Three Surgeons were at a function and got to talking about their most difficult cases.
The first Doctor claimed that he attended a patient that had cut off eight fingers and one thumb."I sewed them all back on and now he is a renown Concert Pianist".


The second Doctor told his best effort about a bloke that had lost both legs and an arm in a threshing machine.
"I Patched him together so successfully he is now an Olympic Runner".


The third Doctor congratulated both Surgeons then related details of his most difficult job.
"A man was riding a Horse at breakneck speed when he ran into the side of an Express Train".

"All I had to work with was a Blonde wig and a horses ass, and now he is standing for the Presidency of the United States of America..

 

I really like the Sir Cumference drawing.

But....

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders. The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'Post Tortoise' was.

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."

"The Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard!"

 

Two nights ago in bed the missus asked me if I fancied some Doctors and Nurses role play to
spice up our marriage !


So I put a trolley in the hallway and ignored her for two days !. .

 

PRISON officials at a Dublin institution are today investigating the smuggling of a 7 x 3 foot telephone box into a known drug dealer’s cell, after a routine sweep unveiled the fully functioning calling booth situated in the corner of the room.

Kevin Keane, a Dublin criminal who was sentenced to 4 years for the possession of 5 kilos of heroin, refused to explain how the antique telephone box was smuggled into his cell and attached to the main prison landline.

“When we entered Mr. Keane’s cell, there were several inmates queueing to use the coin operated phone box,” Mountjoy governor Brian Murphy recalled. “Not only that, but we were told to ‘get to the back of the queue’ by Keane, before he then realised who we were”.

“We found over four thousand euro in change under his bed, and several hundred callcards, which the phone also took”.

Prison officers ordered all inmates to return to their cells while a forensic team investigated the find.