A joke or two - 2016

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people: recite at a play and play at a recital? ship by truck and send cargo by ship? have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up and down at the same time and, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

Why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And while we're at it, why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all ... don't worry, more happy is coming!

 

A Salesman rings the door bell and a young boy about 12 years old opens the door.
He is about 12 years old wearing his fathers smoking jacket, cigar in his lips, a glass of whisky in his hand,a playboy magazine in his pocket.

The salesman says," Is your Mother or Father at home?". The boy replies:::::


"Well What The Blooody Hell Do You Think?".

 

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service, and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything'."

 

(This happened this week in the New Zealand Parliament).

A Government M.P. was slow to get to his feet to make a speech and apologized for the,
"Tardiness Of His Erection".

There was an outburst of giggles which were made worse when the speaker asked him to,
"Get A Grip".


References then came to the "Upstanding Member", and all hell broke loose.

Some say that you could almost hear the old Benny Hill theme wafting through the house..

 

( Medical Dictionary).

Artery_______________________________________________The Study Of Painting.
Bacteria-----------------------------------------------------------------Back Door To A Cafeteria.
Barium---------------------------------------------------What Doctors do when patients die.
Benign------------------------------------------------------------What You Be After You Be Eight.
Caesarean Section-----------------------------------------------A Neighbourhood In Rome.
Cauterize----------------------------------------------------------Made Eye Contact With Her.
Dilate--------------------------------------------------------------To Live Long.
Enema-------------------------------------------------------------Not A Friend.
Fibula--------------------------------------------------------------A Small Lie.
Node---------------------------------------------------------------I Knew It.
Seizure------------------------------------------------------------Roman Emperor.
Urine---------------------------------------------------------------Opposite Of Your Out.

 

Just seen the news about the Polish fans on the rampage in Nice France.
100 cars valeted and waxed, 50 boilers fixed and 5 brick walls maintained

 

Talking dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the
backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,
what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

'In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping.

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in.
'I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

'I got married, had a mass of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.

'Ten quid,' the guy says.

'Ten quid? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheaply?'

'Because he's a bloody liar. He's never been out of the yard'

 

MANY REASONS MEN HAVE TWO DOGS AND NOT TWO WIVES
1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with 20 other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
7. A dog's parents never visit.
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
11. Dogs seldom outlive you.
12. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would youget another dog?"
13. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
14. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
15. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
16. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
17. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad,they just think it's interesting.
18. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
19. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
20. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
21. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
22. Dogs are not allowed in retail stores!

And, last but not least:
23. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

 

A chicken farmer went to a local bar....
Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered aglass of champagne,too!'

'What a coincidence' the chicken farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.. I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the chicken farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

 

I see after Brexit that thousands of "Remain" English are now landing illegally in ribs on the east coast of Ireland.

 

At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the
>union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was
>broken by a young, beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly.
>
>Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen
>started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
>
>The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward?
>What do you have to say?"
>
>The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."

 

What do you call a grumpy short tempered gardener?

A Snapdragon.