A joke or two - 2016

http://dawnfrenchvideos.com/french-saunders/dawnfrench-inflatable-school/

 

Paddy in a Posh Bar.

"How much is your Lager?".

Barman: "£3.50 a Pint and £10 a Pitcher".

Paddy: "I'll just have a Pint, Boooger The Photo"..

 

A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell.

The party waiting behind her was a group from Washington DC, that included Barack Obama.

Obama quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.

She thanked him and started to leave,when he said,"I'm Barack Obama and hope you'll vote Democratic in the next election".


She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, Not My Head"..

 

(The Philosopher).
The Budget should be Balanced .
The Treasury should be Refilled.
The Public Debt should be Reduced.
The Arrogance of Officialdom should be Tempered and Controlled.
The Assistance to Foreign Lands Should Be Curtailed,Lest Rome will become Bankrupt.

Cicero 57 BC.


So Evidently We've Learned Booger All Over The Past 2,071 Years..

 

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down……

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"


"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"


"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that

have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.

Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble”


"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.


So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.


Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!


There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.


With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.


"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"


"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

 

(Great Truths About Growing Old).

(1) Growing Old Is Mandatory,Growing Up Is Optional.

(2) Forget The Health Food I Need All The Preservatives I Can Get.

(3) When You Fall Down, You Wonder What Else You Can Do While You're Down There .

(4) You're Getting Old When You Get The Same Sensation From A Rocking Chair That You Once Got From A Roller Coaster.

(5) It's Frustrating When You Know All The Answers But Nobody Bothers To Ask You The Questions.

(6) Time May Be A Great Healer, But It's A Lousy Blooody Beautician.

(7) Wisdom Comes With Age, But Sometimes Age Comes Alone. .

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------.
( The Four Stages Of Life).

(1) You Believe In Santa Claus .

(2) You Don't Believe In Santa Claus.

(3) You Are Santa Claus.

(4) You Look Like Santa Claus..

 

A woman asks her husband:
"What do you like about me the most? My beautiful face or my sexy body?"
The husband gives her a long, appreciating look.
"Your sense of humour."

 

An elderly Bosnian man who lived on the outskirts of sarajevo went to his local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional box, the man said:

"Father, during the Balkan war in the 90s , an incredibly beautiful young Slav woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Serbian militia. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

The man continued: "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was quite a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that ?" asked the priest.......


"Should I tell her the war is over ?"

 

(Subject: Marrying A Woman From Yorkshire.).

The first man married a woman from Dorset.Told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.


It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away..

The second man married a woman from Derbyshire. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw the house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table..

The third man married a girl from Yorkshire, he ordered her to keep the house cleaned,dishes washed, lawn mowed,laundry washed ,and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything ,the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see s little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he pees. ..

 

This is what 70+ year old's have to look forward to. This is something
that happened at an assisted living centre.

The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at the
central café. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for
breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if
everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room
and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was
having an awful of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.

A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The
receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one
leg of his boxer shorts.