A joke or two.... 2021

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

 

People must not cough near you, they must cough far away.
If you hear someone coughing tell them to;
Far Cough.

 

For years Uncle Percy has been convinced that he is, in fact, a chicken.
I really should get him some psychiatric help.
The thing is -- we need the eggs.

 

A friend of mine said that he hadn't had a bite for ages, so I bit him.

 

Sister Rose woke with a start, she was going to be late for morning prayers unless she hurried.
Her mood was not improved by her corns as she made her way quickly down the stone-flagged corridor. She passed Sister Florence, who greeted her with, "Did you get out of bed on the wrong side Sister?" Nonplussed she made no reply, but hurried on.
Sister Ruth, emerging from her cell, asked the same strange question, receiving only a stony glare in response.
Reaching the chapel, the Mother Superior´s greeting was cut short "If you´re going to tell me I got out of the wrong side of bed you needn´t bother," Rose snapped.
"Not at all Rose dear, I was simply going to enquire why you are wearing the Bishop´s shoes ?"

 

I have this weird compulsion to stare at sea weed.....I know, I know I must see kelp!