A joke or two.... 2022

The Queen and Diana finally cross paths in heaven.

Queen : When do I get a halo like yours?

Diana: Actually, it's a steering wheel!

 

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved 25 miles to Wexford.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle. Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court-martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Distillery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I'm sorry to say that your idiot cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He wound down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the flatbed at the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time.

Nothing much has happened.

Your loving Mum.

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

 

Sorry, I know this is the joke thread but this reminds me of a true story.

When I was a kid, in those days people were always doing botch repairs on their cars. My dad was no different.

My dad lost a chunk of the exhaust pipe and so he had gone to the scrappy with his mate and got a chunk of exhaust pipe to botch onto my dad's car. My dad and his mate spent a couple of hours under the car with hacksaw, gum gun, foil, and some old wire and finally emerged looking proud of themselves.

I looked under the car, i proclaimed, you've fastened the exhaust to the drive shaft, it will just rip off as soon as you drive it.

I was told by both my dad and his mate I was wrong, in the tone of what do you know, you're a kid.

Test drive time. My dad and his mate got in, started the engine, no problem. Set off, and there was a horrible metallic crunching and grinding noise then the classic dragster sound of a car with a snapped exhaust.

Well I tried to tell them.

 

This was in today's paper...

Woman running for Victoria, B.C. city council is also wanted by police

Riga Godron is accused of trying to run over two police officers on Canada Day

A candidate for council in Victoria, B.C. also happens to be a fugitive wanted by the city’s police department.

If you see Riga Godron, do not approach her, and call 911,” reads a Thursday statement by Victoria Police noting that Godron is wanted on a B.C.-wide warrant for charges stemming from a Canada Day incident in which she allegedly tried to run over two police officers.

Just days before the Victoria Police statement seeking Godron, her name was included in an official list of the 37 declared candidates vying for the eight seats on Victoria City Council. In a brief candidate biography submitted to city hall, Godron ironically called for increased Victoria Police funding.

“When elected I would lobby members of council to increase the Victoria Police Department’s budget incrementally in correlation to population growth,” she wrote. A photo on Godron’s official Facebook page even has her posing next to Victoria Police chief Del Manak."

 

Police Scotland had six Portaloos stolen from the rear of Police HQ. When asked if the culprits were known a spokesperson said they had nothing to go on.

 

The oldies are always the best.