A joke or two.... 2022

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan .
After spending a great evening chatting the night away,
the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,
'Are these plates clean?'
His grandfather replied,
'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,
'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said,
'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving,
his grandfather's dogstarted to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!
'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

 

Advice please!
What’s the best number of roses to give the girlfriend on valentines?
6,12,24 or the whole tin?

 

I prefer Carnations ... but I would say a dozen. Ooh, do we have a ladyfriend?

 

Roses they grow on you.
At least that's what Norman Vaughn said.
Swinging, Dodgy.

 

Sadly no

 

6 Roses - I'm the perfect mate so only a gesture is needed
12 Roses - I want to get lucky tonight
24 Roses - I got lucky last night but I wasn't at home...

 

Definitely the whole tin? Or plastic container as it is now @john558.

 

Now that is going back quite a few years Pete

 

Just for fun

Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved 25 miles to Wexford.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle. Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!
Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Distillery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.
I'm sorry to say that your idiot cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.
We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday.. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He wound down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the flatbed at the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much has happened.
Your loving Mum.
P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.