A Joke Or Two 2023/24

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The Police were called to Sainsburys today,
to deal with a man who was continually rummaging about in the vegetables in the freezer section.

He was arrested for disturbing the peas.

 

That reminds me of an old works calendar I had once, one of the pictures was a bunch of skiers at the top of the ski jump waiting for their turn to go down.
On their backs they all had who their official sponsors were.

One bloke looked very nervous, his sponsors were Digger and Burnham Funeral Directors.

 

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Wife: If I died, would you marry again?
Husband: Yes, sure.
Wife: Would you move her into this house?
Husband: I expect so, yes.
Wife: Would she sleep in our bed?
Husband: Seems likely.
Wife: Would she use my golf clubs?
Husband: Definitely not.
Wife. Really? Why not?
Husband: Because she’s left-handed.

 

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A man was killed by a shark while honeymooning. He didn't suffer too long because he was only married for 5 days....

 

Make yourself a cup of tea/coffee before you read this one:

BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season, therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events is put into motion:
1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes the dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4. The woman remains outside the compulsory three-metre exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities take place without the interference of the woman. Here comes the important part:
5. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
6. The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery
7. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat. Important again:
8. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
9. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
10. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes, and most important of all:
11. Everyone PRAISES THE MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
12. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘her night off’ and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.

 

The guy that invented the “knock knock who’s there” jokes has just been awarded the no bell prize.

 

Yikes @Pete8!