A Joke Or Two 2023/24

Discussion in 'The Muppet Show' started by wiseowl, Jan 1, 2023.

  1. Pete8

    Pete8 Gardener

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2017
    Messages:
    503
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Retired
    Location:
    Billericay, Essex
    Ratings:
    +1,172
    I'll try again...

    upload_2024-8-21_14-56-59.png
     
    • Funny Funny x 11
    • Pete8

      Pete8 Gardener

      Joined:
      Aug 29, 2017
      Messages:
      503
      Gender:
      Male
      Occupation:
      Retired
      Location:
      Billericay, Essex
      Ratings:
      +1,172
      I remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject. Today if you mention ‘Botox’ no one raises an eyebrow.
       
      • Funny Funny x 8
      • Like Like x 1
      • Ergates

        Ergates Super Gardener

        Joined:
        Mar 14, 2024
        Messages:
        320
        Gender:
        Female
        Occupation:
        Retired
        Location:
        East Devon, UK
        Ratings:
        +1,428
        IMG_1004.jpeg
         
        • Funny Funny x 7
        • Ladybird4

          Ladybird4 I'm a gardener. What's your super-power?

          Joined:
          Mar 13, 2024
          Messages:
          2,515
          Gender:
          Female
          Occupation:
          Retired Teacher
          Location:
          The North West
          Ratings:
          +7,623
        • Ladybird4

          Ladybird4 I'm a gardener. What's your super-power?

          Joined:
          Mar 13, 2024
          Messages:
          2,515
          Gender:
          Female
          Occupation:
          Retired Teacher
          Location:
          The North West
          Ratings:
          +7,623
          Plethora.jpg
           
          • Funny Funny x 7
          • Like Like x 1
          • Ladybird4

            Ladybird4 I'm a gardener. What's your super-power?

            Joined:
            Mar 13, 2024
            Messages:
            2,515
            Gender:
            Female
            Occupation:
            Retired Teacher
            Location:
            The North West
            Ratings:
            +7,623
            Speed Bumps.jpg
             
            • Funny Funny x 2
            • Like Like x 1
            • cactus_girl

              cactus_girl Super Gardener

              Joined:
              Mar 15, 2024
              Messages:
              664
              Gender:
              Female
              Occupation:
              Retired
              Location:
              Sutton Coldfield
              Ratings:
              +2,499
              20240813_102612.jpg
               
              • Funny Funny x 4
              • ChrisIB

                ChrisIB Gardener

                Joined:
                Mar 14, 2022
                Messages:
                63
                Occupation:
                Computer person
                Location:
                Anulian Box
                Ratings:
                +273
                Deaf.jpg
                 
                • Funny Funny x 7
                • ChrisIB

                  ChrisIB Gardener

                  Joined:
                  Mar 14, 2022
                  Messages:
                  63
                  Occupation:
                  Computer person
                  Location:
                  Anulian Box
                  Ratings:
                  +273
                  Person.png
                   
                  • Agree Agree x 5
                  • Funny Funny x 2
                  • Pete8

                    Pete8 Gardener

                    Joined:
                    Aug 29, 2017
                    Messages:
                    503
                    Gender:
                    Male
                    Occupation:
                    Retired
                    Location:
                    Billericay, Essex
                    Ratings:
                    +1,172
                    It's more like November outside today, so something to help raise a smile :)

                    What it’s like to be British

                    • Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”

                    • Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”

                    • Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best

                    • Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door

                    • Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit

                    • Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand

                    • Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home

                    • The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector

                    • The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”

                    • “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

                    • Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands

                    • Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change

                    • Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

                    • Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

                    • Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”

                    • Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

                    • Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it

                    • Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave

                    • Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible

                    • The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about

                    • Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake

                    • Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink

                    • “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit

                    • Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it

                    • “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”

                    • Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever

                    • Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

                    • Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’

                    • Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether

                    • Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing

                    • Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again

                    • The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up

                    • Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again
                     
                    • Funny Funny x 7
                    • Like Like x 2
                    • Agree Agree x 2
                    • Bluejayway

                      Bluejayway Plantaholic

                      Joined:
                      Mar 13, 2024
                      Messages:
                      670
                      Gender:
                      Female
                      Occupation:
                      Retired
                      Location:
                      Wales
                      Ratings:
                      +2,175
                      Totally and utterly brilliant @Pete8 :roflol:....and so true ...
                       
                      • Agree Agree x 2
                      • Like Like x 1
                      • ViewAhead

                        ViewAhead Head Gardener

                        Joined:
                        Mar 14, 2024
                        Messages:
                        1,982
                        Gender:
                        Female
                        Location:
                        South of the South Downs, north of the sea!
                        Ratings:
                        +4,333
                        I'm guilty of a surprising number of those. :biggrin:
                         
                        • Agree Agree x 3
                        • Pete8

                          Pete8 Gardener

                          Joined:
                          Aug 29, 2017
                          Messages:
                          503
                          Gender:
                          Male
                          Occupation:
                          Retired
                          Location:
                          Billericay, Essex
                          Ratings:
                          +1,172
                          Me too, but the one that I really relate to is -

                          • Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible

                          But I certainly do not say it as quietly as possible

                          In particular, I often say 'good morning' etc to people. If they don't reply I say 'please yourself' - and I don't say that quietly either.

                          What's wrong with some people??!!
                           
                          • Agree Agree x 7
                          • Like Like x 2
                          • shiney

                            shiney President, Grumpy Old Men's Club Staff Member

                            Joined:
                            Jul 3, 2006
                            Messages:
                            63,682
                            Gender:
                            Male
                            Occupation:
                            Retired - Last Century!!!
                            Location:
                            Herts/Essex border. Zone 8b
                            Ratings:
                            +124,280
                            Maybe they don't like you? :roflol:
                             
                            • Funny Funny x 3
                            • AuntyRach

                              AuntyRach Super Gardener

                              Joined:
                              Mar 13, 2024
                              Messages:
                              924
                              Gender:
                              Female
                              Location:
                              South Wales
                              Ratings:
                              +4,252
                              • Like Like x 1
                              • Agree Agree x 1
                              Loading...

                              Share This Page

                              1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
                                By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
                                Dismiss Notice