A Joke Or Two 2023/24

Discussion in 'The Muppet Show' started by wiseowl, Jan 1, 2023.

  1. Pete8

    Pete8 Gardener

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    I'll try again...

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    • Pete8

      Pete8 Gardener

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      I remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject. Today if you mention ‘Botox’ no one raises an eyebrow.
       
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      • Ergates

        Ergates Super Gardener

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        • Ladybird4

          Ladybird4 I'm a gardener. What's your super-power?

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        • Ladybird4

          Ladybird4 I'm a gardener. What's your super-power?

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          • Ladybird4

            Ladybird4 I'm a gardener. What's your super-power?

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            • cactus_girl

              cactus_girl Super Gardener

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              • ChrisIB

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                • ChrisIB

                  ChrisIB Gardener

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                  • Pete8

                    Pete8 Gardener

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                    It's more like November outside today, so something to help raise a smile :)

                    What it’s like to be British

                    • Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”

                    • Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”

                    • Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best

                    • Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door

                    • Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit

                    • Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand

                    • Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home

                    • The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector

                    • The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”

                    • “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

                    • Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands

                    • Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change

                    • Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

                    • Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

                    • Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”

                    • Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

                    • Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it

                    • Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave

                    • Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible

                    • The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about

                    • Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake

                    • Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink

                    • “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit

                    • Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it

                    • “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”

                    • Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever

                    • Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

                    • Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’

                    • Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether

                    • Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing

                    • Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again

                    • The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up

                    • Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again
                     
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                    • Bluejayway

                      Bluejayway Plantaholic

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                      Totally and utterly brilliant @Pete8 :roflol:....and so true ...
                       
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                      • ViewAhead

                        ViewAhead Head Gardener

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                        I'm guilty of a surprising number of those. :biggrin:
                         
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                        • Pete8

                          Pete8 Gardener

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                          Me too, but the one that I really relate to is -

                          • Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible

                          But I certainly do not say it as quietly as possible

                          In particular, I often say 'good morning' etc to people. If they don't reply I say 'please yourself' - and I don't say that quietly either.

                          What's wrong with some people??!!
                           
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                          • shiney

                            shiney President, Grumpy Old Men's Club Staff Member

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                            Maybe they don't like you? :roflol:
                             
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                            • AuntyRach

                              AuntyRach Super Gardener

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