A Joke Or Two 2023/24

The four other toes when they see the little one banged on the corner of the bed in the morning:

 

The first mobile phone thefts date back to the beginning of the 20th century.....

 

I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear.


I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.. so she hugged me.


My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else....


At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.


I thought growing old would take longer.


I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps, got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what's going on.


The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We just laughed and laughed… I need bail money.


Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye


Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.


The adult version of "head, shoulders, knees and toes" is "wallet, glasses, keys and phone."



Life is too short to waste time matching socks.


If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed; we're having a staff meeting.


I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.


Some people call me crazy. I prefer happy with a twist


My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."


I really don't mind getting old, but my body is having a major fit.


Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.


Project Manager… because Miracle Worker isn't an official job title.


I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.


I don't care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives.


I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.


If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds.

 

Ho Ho Ho.

 

Apparently, this pilot's flights are a real hoot

 

Oh @Victoria, that's the funniest thing I've seen in a very long time, I have tears running down my cheeks and a stitch in my side

 

I am so pleased it cheered you Michael. I was going to preface it with "Here's my new bed".

 

Now I know what they mean by recycled bog roll.

 

Today i received a letter from a spice and herb company saying that i owed them money, if i didn't pay they would send the Bayleafs.