A Joke Or Two 2023/24

A bloke walks into a pub with a kangaroo. The kangaroo grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, “Did you see what your kangaroo just did?”
“No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table…whole!” “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, “He eats everything in sight, don’t worry, I’ll pay for the cue ball.”
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the kangaroo ate and left.
Two weeks later the bloke came back, and had his kangaroo with him. He ordered a drink and the kangaroo started running around the pub. The kangaroo found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it. The kangaroo found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, “Did you see what your kangaroo just did?”
“No, what?” replied the man. “Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!”“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy.
“He will eat anything, but ever since he had to moo poo out that cue ball, he measures everything first.”

 

@Michael Hewett
Here's one for you ...

 

United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend.
In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.
To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.
In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).
He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:
“I don’t remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back.”

 

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world.
He decided that a few disciples would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Three days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.
Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: “Who is it?” “It’s Mark” Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring Mark?” “Marijuana from Colombia” “Very well son, come in.”

Another soft knock is heard. “Who is it?” “It’s Matthew” Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring Matthew?” “Cocaine from Mexico” “Very well son, come in.”

At the next knock Jesus asks, “Who is it?” “It’s John” Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring John?” “Crystal meth from Los Angeles” “Very well son, come in.”

Someone starts pounding on the door. “Who is it?” “It’s Judas” Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring Judas?”

“Freeze! This is the FBI!”

 

If one of your plants is depressed, do the others photosympathize ?

 

A man was speaking to God.
“God, why did you make women so beautiful?” he asked.
God said: “I did that to make you love them”.
Then the man asked: “Well, God; why did you make them such good cooks?”
God said: “I did that to make you love them”.
The man then asked: “But God, why did you make women so stupid?”.
God said: “I did that to make them love you !”