A Joke Or Two 2023/24

He's changed then although he's another one I'm not struck on

 

The one I put up wasn't Frank Carson, but it was a cracker.

 

Named my Christmas tree Amy Winehouse,

because it's gonna die and leave needles all over the place.

 

Sorry got the name wrong, Bernard Manning. Never been good with names.

 

Getting into the spirit of it all, now

 

One day Jesus decided to stroll down to the Pearly Gates. No sooner did he get there than St. Peter exclaimed, “Oh, I’m so glad you’re here, I need to go to the bathroom bad! Watch the Gates for me, will you?”

“But what am I supposed to do if someone comes?” Jesus asked.

“Have them fill out the intake sheet,” Peter said, pointing to his lectern. “I gotta run — ‘bye!”

“But —“ Jesus said, too late; Peter was out of earshot. Jesus was studying the intake sheet when he saw an old man tentatively approaching the Gates. “Welcome to Heaven, sir!” he said.

The old man stared. “Heaven — is it true? I’m in heaven?” he whispered. When Jesus nodded, the old man dropped to his knees and said, “Oh, how wonderful! Maybe now I can finally find my son!”

Jesus helped him to his feet and said, “I’ll be happy to let you in, but first I need to get some information from you so we know where to put you. Now, while you were on earth, what did you do for a living?”

“I was a carpenter,” the old man replied.

Jesus was struck by the coincidence but made a note on the intake sheet and moved on to the next question. “About your family — you say you have, or had, a son, and you believe he’s here already, is that correct?”

“Well, I don’t know for sure,” the old man said, “we were separated a long time ago, and I heard that he died. But he was a very good man, so I know that if he died, he’ll be here.”

Moved with pity for the old man, Jesus replied, “If he is here, we’ll certainly help you find him. Can you give us a description of him?” To which the old man replied, “Oh, he’ll be easy for you to recognize—he has nail holes in his hands and feet.”

Carpenter, good man, separated from family, nail holes — Jesus stared at the old man, dropped his pen and paper, thrust out his hands, and cried, “Papa!!!”

And the old man, tears in his own eyes, thrust out his hands and cried, “Pinocchio!!!”

 

The Pope is having some work done in the vatican. As he is passing one of the carpenters hits his thumb with a hammer
“Fecking Hell!” he cries.
The pope is horrified and tells the carpenter “My son, this is the house of God, such profanities are not appropriate here. If you have hurt yourself in some way you should offer your prayer to our lord Jesus and he will give you relief from your suffering”
Next day as the Pope is passing the same carpenter chops off his fingers with a saw. “Oh my God! Sweet Jesus please help me now!” says the carpenter.
With that the fingers levitate themselves and re-attach themselves to the poor carpenter’s hand, all the blood disappears and the carpenter wiggles his fingers,
“Fecking Hell” says the pope.

 

When you're strapped for spending on Christmas decorations ...

 

My kind of thinking.