A Joke Or Two 2023/24

If you've got a nosy neighbour I'd get a different fence.

 

The teachers are on strike.
Probably didn't have enough room for the D

 

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

 

Three Atlantic Canada boys were all applying for the last available position on the St. John's Police Force.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be cops, huh?"

The three all nodded that they indeed wanted to be cops.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the boy from PEI and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The Spud Islander immediately said, "Yes, I did, he has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The Islander hung his head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second boy from Nova Scotia, stuck the photo in his face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other guy?

This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The Bluenoser sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the last boy, a hometown Newfie boy with a long family history in Newfoundland and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...."

He flashed the photo in his face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The Newfie said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the Newfie with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right!
His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The Newfie rolled his eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, ... he certainly can't wear glasses."