A JOKE OR TWO.!!

This reminds me of an amusing long standing misinterpretation of local culture by my Taiwanese mate.

Every Friday, we'd go to the same pub, where a live rock band would entertain us all. Every week, the band, whichever band it was (they all did it, it was the custom) would start a particular song (can't remember what it was) that featured a few notes on guitar, then a pause while everyone shouted a certain abusive word at the band. They'd bang out a few notes again, then again we'd all in unison shout the same naughty word. After 2 or 3 goes the song would get underway. This always happened about 2 thirds of the way through the set. This was the custom.

Then one night, a band broke the law. They finished early. We all thought they were teasing so we all obliged with the customary slow, low chants of 'more'. But no. To everyone's dismay, they packed up and went.

My Taiwanese mate was as stunned as all of us, probably more so because he was still learning our local customs and this was new for him. He turned to me seeking clarification, and meekly said 'we haven't even shouted Ambags yet'.

 

Husband and Wife have yet another fight.
The wife phones her mother and tells her,"Bob and I had another fight",
"I'm leaving him and coming back to live with you".

Mother replies,"NO,NO, he needs to be Really punished, I'm coming to live with you"...

 

A Father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The Father asks his son what he did that day.
The son says," I did some homework", the robot slaps the Son.
The Son says,"Ok,Ok I was at a friends house watching movies".

Dad asks,"What movie did you watch?", the Son says ,"Toy Story",the robot slaps the Son.
The Son says,"Ok,Ok, we were watching porn".

Dad says, "WHAT"?, at your age I didn't even know what porn was ".
The robot slaps the Father .

Mom laughs and says," Well he certainly is your Son"

The robot slaps the Mother.



P.S. Robot For Sale. .

 

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the Urologist for a Prostate Examination.
Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As I approached the receptionists desk I noticed that she was a very large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo Wrestler.
I gave her my name,and in a very Loud voice she said:

"YES,I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE,YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE,RIGHT"?.

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me,a now very embarrassed man,but I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied:



"NO I'VE COME TO ENQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,

"BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS".




Don't Mess With Old Retired Guys.

 

I had a Pelican Curry last night at the local Indian's.

The meal was OK but the bill was enormous.

 

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
glasses and says

'Buzz off, ye'll no bring it back.

 

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the
local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

 

Pedro was showing a visitor around the beautiful Mediterranean island he lived on. As they walked through the village, they passed a beautiful little chapel. Pedro said, see that chapel? I built that with my own two hands. Do they call me Pedro the builder or Pedro the architect? No, they don't. Pedro and his guest continued walking. They reached the sea front. There was a small harbour full of gorgeous boats. See those boats? Said Pedro. I built most of them. Do they call me Pedro the boat builder? No. They don't. They continued walking.

As they left the boundaries of the village, they passed through a beautiful park, full of stunning blooms and perfect lawns. See this park said Pedro, I did all of this. Do they call me Pedro the landscape gardener? No. They don't. They continued walking and left the park, out onto open countryside with rolling hills and meadows.

Soon they passed a paddock full of sheep. Pedro pointed and said, I built all the boats in the harbour, but they don't call me Pedro the boat builder. I built the chapel, but they don't call me Pedro the architect. I created the park myself, but they don't call me Pedro the gardener. But, I entertain one measly sheep......

 

Two Guys sitting in a Glasgow Pub when in comes a wee Chinese chappie.
He swiftly downs 2 large whisky's.On asking for a third and being refused by the Bar Lady, who says, "Nae Mer Yur Steamin".

The wee fellow lets out a great screech and smashes the counter with one great Karate Chop.

"My God",says one of the guys to his mate,"Is That Kung Foo"?, his mate says.



"Naw, he's only Hud Twa Whisky's"..