A joke or two.

The past, the present and the future walked into a bar, it was tense.​

 

When I got home, the phone was ringing so I picked it up and said 'Who's speaking please?' ​

And a voice said 'You are."​

 

My wife is furious with me, i have just put a stick in a non-stick frying pan.

 

A Wee Glasgow man is staggering down Sauchiehall Street on a Saturday night ,when he comes across a car with the Bonnet up and a man staring at the engine.
"What's Up Mate", He Asks.
"Piston Broke", Replies The Man.
"Aye Same As Ma Self ", The Wee Man Says.:WINK1:.

 

I saw this Dutch bloke walking the other day looking lost, so I stopped and ask him if he needed directions? He said no I've got 'sat-nav' built into my shoes! I carried on and thought 'clever clogs'

 

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the Urologist,who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the desk,he noticed the receptionist was a large,unfriendly appearing woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice,the receptionist said.
"YES I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE,"
"YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room turned their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly,and in an equally loud voice replied ,
"NO I'VE COME TO ENQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION",
"BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS":WINK1:.

(DON'T MESS WITH THE OLD FOLKS).

 

Arthur is 80 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement
20 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his
wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad, once I've hit the
ball, I can't see where it went."


His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my
brother with you, and give it one more try?"


"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is 90 years old. He can't
help."

"He may be 90," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."


So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his
brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the
fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did," says the brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"I don't remember."

 

I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn't get me anywhere.

Did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his burger and fries at the drive through.

 

A couple had been Married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
"Just think,fifty years ago we were sitting here at this table together".
" I know",the old man said.
"We were probably sitting here as naked as a jaybird fifty years ago".
"Well", Granny snickered,"lets relive some Old Times",where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You Know Honey",the little old lady says,"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago".

"I Wouldn't Be Surprised",replied the Gramps.
"Ones In Your Coffee and the other is in your Oatmeal".

 

The dog ran off in the park yesterday I walked around calling his name for 10 minutes but couldn't find him. My wife said I should look harder so I shaved my head and got a tattoo. I still can't find the dog though.

 

A man goes into a bar with his pet giraffe, orders a pint for himself and a mineral water for the giraffe. After drinking the water, the giraffe lies down and goes to sleep under the table. After a while the man decides to leave, forgetting all about the giraffe. As he's opening the door the barman shouts:
"Oi!! Where are you going? You can't leave that lyin' there!"
To which the man replies:
"It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

 

I CAN HEAR JUST FINE !.

Three Retirees ,each with a hearing loss,were playing golf one day.
One remarked to the other, "WINDY ,isn't it" ?.
"NO",the second man replied,"IT'S THURSDAY".
and the third man chimed in "SO AM I LET'S HAVE A BEER"..

 

My wife had one of those near death experiences last night.....silly bother thought she could hoover while the football was on..!!!

 

(Free Puppies)
1/2 Cocker Spaniel,1/2 Sneaky Neighbours Dog.
(Free Puppies)
Mother is a Kennel Club Registered German Shepherd,
Father Is A Super dog ,Able To Leap Tall Fences In A Single Bound.
(Wedding Dress For Sale).
Worn Once ,By Mistake,Call Jean.
(For Sale By Owner).
Complete Set Of Encyclopaedia Britannica,45 Volumes,
Excellent Condition,£200 or Best Offer.
No Longer Needed ,Got Married,Wife Knows Everything.:WINK1:.