A joke or two.

A Gardening related submission.
Two ladies of mature years were sitting on a park bench outside the marquee where the annual flower show was in progress.
One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For £5 I'd take my clothes off right now and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a £5 note.
As fast as she could, the first old dear fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"Why, I won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement."

 

I'll never forget how happy i was when i saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, stood beside me. I gave her a cheeky wink and said, "Get that trolley here love, they're doing 3 cases of Stella for the price of 2."

 

Myself and a friend unsuccessfully tried to grow cannabis.............​

We made a right hash of it. ​

 

Ahh, my dear Wife, exactly the same as she was when I first met her 35 years ago.

Orrible.

 

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer? I said I was looking for cheap flights. "I love you" she said, then she got all excited, and we had the best sex ever! Which is odd, because she's never shown an interest in darts before.

 

Q: What's the difference between a man and a child?
A: The price of the toys.

 

Septic Tank Cleaning Contractor Called Mc Donald,
Emblazoned On His Tankers
'Mc Donald's Takeaways'.
_______________________________________________________________________
After his exam the Doctor said to the elderly man,
"You appear to be in good health,do you have any concerns you would like to ask me about?".
"In fact I do",said the old man.
"After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly,and then after I have sex the second time I am usually hot and sweaty".
After examining his elderly wife,the doctor said.
"Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?".
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. the doctor then said to her,
"Your husband had an unusual concern,he claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time,and then hot and sweaty after the second time ,do you know Why ?".
"Oh That Crazy Old Twit"! she replied,

"That's Because The First Time Is Usually In January"
" And The Second Time In August"!.

 

Fire exits, they are on the way out.

 

Did I already do my de-jar-vous joke?

 

(EXERCISE FOR THE OVER 50s).

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand,extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute,and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks,move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a
100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute,(I'm At This Level).:WINK1:

After you feel confident at that level,
Put A Potato In Each Bag.:WINK1:..

 

My Wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said,"Do You Want To Have Sex ?",
"NO" she answered. I then said,
"Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time,simply saying,"YES".
So I said ,"Then I'd like to phone a friend" !.
(My black eye is getting better).
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I Took my wife to a Restaurant,
The waiter ,for some reason,took my order first,
"I'll have the Rump Steak,Rare,Please",
He said,"Aren't you worried about the Mad Cow?".
So I Said "NAH, She Can Order For Herself".
(My Burst Lip Is Now Healing).
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I Rear- ended a car this Morning,
the start of a really bad day.
The driver got out of the other car,he was a Dwarf.
He looked up at me and said" I'M NOT HAPPY!",
So I said,Well WHICH ONE are you then?".
(The swelling is now going down in my Boll***s).
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I got stopped by a lady in the street doing a survey, She asked ' Can you tell me what you know about dwarves'. I replied ' Very little'

Rusty

 

New Employment Regulations 2013​

SICKDAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


MATERNITY LEAVE
Pregnancy is banned. You must first apply to your superiors and with their approval you’ll then be allowed to be pregnant. It will only be allowed once in 10yrs and you only get 1 month maternity leave. No male shall get leave related to his wife’s pregnancy, sickness or even death (he is not a midwife, a doctor nor an undertaker


DRESS CODE
It is advised that you must come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing designer clothing we will assume that you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.

SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

HOLIDAYS
Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks’ notice to allow time for you to train your own replacement.

TOILET USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allocated time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both workers' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, and the door will open..

LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim fast and take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.

 

My wife used to punch me in the face when she had an orgasm.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them!

Rusty