A joke or two.

I went to the RSPCA office today, it was so small you couldn't even swing a cat in there.

 

In the jungle the big animals are playing the little animals at football.

Come half time the big animals are winning 6-0.

The second half starts and a little Centipede gets the ball,beating all the big animals, he scores.
In the next 30 mins he scores 20 goals.
The big elephant says, "Boy Your A Good Player ,but where were you in the first half"??. The Little Centipede Replies, "Putting My Boots On ". :WINK1:.

 

So Didier Drogba leaves Chelsea and moves to China. A few weeks later China clean up in the Olympic diving medals. Coincidence?

 

About a month before my grandfather died my grandmother covered his back with lard.

After that he went down hill pretty quickly...

 

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...... '.

 

Did you hear the news? A cartoonist was found dead in his home this morning. Details are sketchy.

 

(Double Entendre's ,Allegedly From Television Employees).

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,"so Bob,where's that eight inches you promised me last night?".
Not only did he have to leave the set,but half the crew did too,because they were laughing so hard !!..

U.S. P.G.A. COMMENTATOR.--- " One of the reasons Arnie is playing so well is that,before each Tee shot, His wife takes out his balls and kisses them----------,
" OH MY GOD !!!! WHAT HAVE I JUST SAID?!!!!!!"..

Weightlifting Commentator--- "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria"
" I saw her snatch this morning and it was Amazing !!!"..

British Horse Racing Commentator--------------------------- "And This Is A Lovely Horse,
"I Once Rode Her Mother!!!"..

 

Took the wife to a show where a black fella with big hair spins round and round. After me and the wife felt really horny............apparently it ws an Afro Dizzy act.

Rusty

 

With all this horrible weather lately it said on the news that there are a shortage of owls.
An RSPB spokesperson Said ' Its been to wet to woo'

Rusty

 

An old Italian gentleman lived alone.
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden,but it was very difficult work,as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent,who used to help him was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my Tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up my garden plot.
I know if you where here my troubles would be over.
I know you would happy to dig the plot for me,like in the old days. Love Papa.

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden ,
that's where the bodies are buried.
Love Vinnie.

At 4 am the next morning,the police arrived and dug up the entire area,without finding any bodies.They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa.
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love You ,
Vinnie.

 

I took the wife to a disco at the weekend. There was a guy on the dancefloor giving it large; breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. My wife turned to me and said, " See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
I said, "Looks like he's still celebrating!!"

Rusty

 

Charlie had been drinking down at the local bar all night and he got so drunk he fell off his chair.
Being unable to get up,and living only a couple of blocks away,he crawled out the door and up the street.
He managed to let himself into his house while still lying on the ground.
He crawled up the stairs and quietly managed to pull himself up into bed.
His wife woke him up in the morning and said,"Charlie,you were out drinking again last night,weren't you ?"
He said "What makes you think that ?".She said ,"the manager of the bar phoned-----

You left your wheelchair in the pub Again"!!!!!!!.

 

My wife was talking to me for about 5 minutes, then she said, "You won't tell anyone will you?"

"Your secret is safe with me," I replied.

"You sure about that?"

"Yes," I said, "because I wasn't listening."

Rusty