A joke or two.

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman,with a baby in her arms,entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it?.

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16,she agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar,and one day the teenager,who had been collecting the meat each week,came into the shop and said,
"I'll be 16 Tomorrow",
"I know" said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too,tell your mother,when you take this parcel of meat home,that it is the last free meat she'll get,and watch the expression on her face".

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said,

"Son go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had Free Bread,Free Milk,and Free Groceries for the last 16 years,and watch the expression on His Face"!!!!..

 

Bet she never manged to get free condoms off the Chemist though

 

'Jesus Wants Me For A Sunbeam '

'But Only Because Of The Rotten Summer We've Had' .

 

I Hear They Give Viagra To Old Men In Hospital.

When I Asked Why I Was Told,

"It Stops Them Rolling Out Of Bed During The Night"..

 

(Norwegian Virgin Wedding).
Olof Swenson was crossing a field full of cattle. Passing one of the cattle it kicked him in the crotch. Writhing in agony he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it Doc ? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance Lena ,is still a virgin---in every way".

The Doctor told him,"Olof, I'll have to put your Villy in a Splint to let it heal and keep it straight".
"It should be okay next week,but leave it on Dere as long as you can".
The Doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint,and taped it all together.
Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, he married her and they went on their honeymoon.
That night in the hotel room ,Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful untouched breasts. She Said, "Olof-- you're the first Vun! no Vun has ever seen Dees".
Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied,
"Look At Dis Lena------Still In DA CRATE "!.

 

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening,at an investment meeting,he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen,her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy",he said to her,
"but in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit £200 million".

Impressed,the woman asked for his business card ,and three days later,
she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men..

 

(Children Writing About The Sea).

This Is A picture of an octopus,It has Eight Testicles ( Kelly Age 6 ).
Oysters Balls Are Called Pearls (John Age 6).
My Dad goes out in his boat and comes back with Crabs (Mary Age 5 ).
Some fish are dangerous.Jelly fish can sting.Electric Eels can give you a shock.They have to live in caves under the sea,where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.(Christopher Age 7).
When you go swimming in the sea it is very cold,and it makes my willy small.(Kevin Age 6).
I like Mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails.How do Mermaids get pregnant?.(Helen Age 6).
Sharks are ugly and mean,and have big teeth,just like Emily Richardson.
She's not my friend no more.(Kylie Age 6)..

 

I've Got Shingles

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's assistant came out and asked Kevin what he had...
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude. He asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles.'
The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload them??'

 

(A Doctor was Addressing A Large Audience In Oxford ).

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here,years ago".
"Red meat is full of steroids and dye".
"Soft drinks corrode your your stomach lining".
"Chinese food is loaded with M.S.G.".
"High Transfat Diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water".
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all ,and most of us have, or will
eat it"-----.
"Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?.





After several seconds of quiet,a 70 year old man in the front row raised his hand,and softly said ," Wedding cake"?..

 

A ventriloquist Doing his show 1 night with dummy on his knee,starts tellin the usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde shouts, ive heard enough of ur stupid blonde jokes! Whats the colour of a persons hair to do with their worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep woman like me from being respected! The red faced ventriloquist begins 2 apologise, but the blonde shouts, u stay out of this mate! Im talking 2 that little illegitimate child on your knee!

 

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.

 

A woman asks her husband at Breakfast time,
"would you like some bacon and eggs?,a slice of toast,and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?".
He Declined,"thanks for asking,but I'm not hungry right now".
"It's this Viagra",he says,"It's really taken the edge off my Appetite".
At Lunchtime,she asked him if he would like something to eat.

"How about a bowl of soup,home made muffins or a cheese sandwich?".
He declines."The Viagra", he says," really trashes my desire for food".

Come Dinner time,she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy steak and some scrumptious apple pie? or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?".
He Declines again. "No", he says, "it's got to be the Viagra--I'm still not hungry".
"Well" she says "Would you mind letting me up? I'm Starving !"........