A joke or two.

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?

Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP????

 

If You Go To Hell When You Die, Take The Following.!!
(1) A Hot Water Bottle.
(2) An Overcoat.
(3) Long Underwear.
(4) A Scarf.
(5) Woolen Gloves.

The Reason Being That You'll Never Get Close To The Fire For Lawyers,Financial Advisors, Newspaper Reporters, Bankers, Bookies And Margaret Thatcher Admirers.:WINK1:.

 

Two Cows Standing In The Field..
The First Cow Says, "What Do You Think About This Mad Cow Disease Then",
The Second Cow Replies,
"Doesn't Bother Me , I'm A Tractor"..

Pilot To Tower,..Pilot To Tower...I Am 300 Miles From Land...600 Feet Over Water...And Running Out Of Fuel...Please Instruct!!!...Tower To Pilot...Tower To Pilot... Repeat After Me,

" Our Father,Which Art In Heaven"........

 

I went to B & Q and a bloke in orange came up to me and asked if I wanted decking, so I got in the first punch.

 

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors:
Whilst attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Jimbo and his wife Carol listened to the instructor declare "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you each name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Jimbo leaned over, touched Carol's arm gently and whispered, "Self raising, isn't it?"
And thus began Jimbo’s life of celibacy.

Jack McHammocklashing

 

Women Will Never Be Equal To Men!!!!!.

Until They Can Walk Down The Street With A Bald Head And A Beer Gut,

And Still Think They Are Sexy..

 

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?.
Paddy replies - I'm gonna take her with me!

 

I went into a bakers and said

"Can I have two swiss buns, a currant bun, and two realistic wasps please"

"Shop lady "two realistic wasps?"

"Well you have six of them in the window"

 

Scientist's Have Discovered A Food That Diminishes A Woman's Sex Drive By 90%.

It's Called>>>> A Wedding Cake.:WINK1:.

 

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was
constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter
immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet.

"Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after
dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in London.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood
nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to
explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black
panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a
black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

 

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special!"
Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man . He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman ."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his xxxxing widow."

 

Think this was posted a few years ago but he it is again. (15 cert)
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A young man called Ron wanted to buy his new girlfriend a christmas present as they hadn't been seeing each other very long he decided after careful consideration that a pair of gloves would strike the right note not too intimate but yet thoughtful and considerate.
He went ith his girlfriend's sister to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white fur-lined gloves. whilst in the ladies clothing department the sister purchased a pair of knickers for herself at the same time. During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items.
The sister took away the package containing the gloves and Ron got the knickers.
Without checking Ron sealed the package and sent it to his new girlfriend to arrive in time for christmas.
In the card that accompanied the package he lovingly wrote the following message..........
Dear Pat,
I chose these because I have noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are easier to remove I appreciate that these are a very delicate shade, but the lady i bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.
She also said they rub her ring which help keeps it clean and shiny.
In fact she hasn't needed to clean it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on friday night.
All my love,
Ron
p.s Your sister advises that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

 

(A MONKEY BATH).

A Bath So Hot,That When Lowering Yourself In,


You Go 'Oo! 'Oo! 'Oo! 'Aa ! 'Aa! 'Aa !..
---------------------------------------------------------------.
A Group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But Why" they asked, as they moved off. "Because" he said-------

" I Cant Stand Chess-Nuts Boasting In An Open Foyer"

 

Bloke Went into a tailor shop and asked for 96 pockets to be sewn into his jacket.
Then he went around the pet shops till he had bought 96 budgies.

He climbed up onto a roof, put a budgie into each pocket, Then jumped !!.

Someone nearby where he landed with a terrible thump heard him moan,


"Well That's The End Of That Budgie Jumping For Me".!!!!!!!!!!.

 

The geordie and the posh whitehall man:

A top politician is on an official trip up north. He has been ordered to integrate with the locals, so instead of a limo, he takes the train, and he decides to talk to the locals. His advisers tell him that geordies like betting.

The whitehall man chooses his target, a fairly average looking chap in jeans and t-shirt.

Whitehall man: Excuse me. I bet my intelligence is far superior to yours. I bet you are little more than a monkey. I challenge you to a wager.

Geordie: (taken aback slightly): Ere, why-I-man, what yer onaboot?

Whitehall man: How about, I demonstrate my superior intelligence by challenging you to a game of general knowledge.

Geordie: What da ya mean like man?

Whitehall man: How about we each ask each other a question. If the other can't answer one's question then one wins the wager. As I am many times as intelligent as you, I will award you two advantages. One advantage, I will let you ask the first question. The other advantage, if I don't know the answer, I have to give you £100. But if you don't know an answer, you only have to give me £1.

Geordie (thinking about it for a second): Aye, ahhreet man. Ar'll gan first then right. Whats 16ft long, has 300 legs, is green, and has 30 eyes?

Whitehall man (thinking about it), Hmm, I must confess I don't know. Here's your £100. But be a sport, what it is it?

Geordie: Well I don't know either man, here's yer quid.