A joke or two.

An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.

It is believed to be so offensive that St Peter's church in Shrewsbury have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy Green from Margate has written in to Points of view.

When will the madness end?

 

Paul McKeever, the head of the Police Federation thinks Andrew Mitchell, the MP who treated police with "contempt" by calling one of them a "pleb" should resign.

Presumably he thinks the MP set a bad example by apologising the next day and not 23 years later!!!

 

A Very pretty young speech Therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammers Action Group.
She tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.
Finally,thoroughly exasperated,she said.
"If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born,without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water ,So Who wants to go first?".

The Englishman Piped Up,
"Bbbbbbbbb-irmingham", he said.
"That's no use ,Trevor " said the speech Therapist,who's next?".

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out,
"Ppppppppp-aisley".
"That's no better,there will be no sex for you,Hamish".
"How about you, Paddy?", said the speech Therapist.

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out,
"London ".
"Brilliant Paddy" said the speech Therapist ,and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 45 minutes of Steamy Sex the couple paused for breath and Paddy Said-------



"Ddddddddddd-erry".

 

Man answers the door and finds a policeman standing there.
After Confirming the man's name,the Policeman shows him a photograph of a woman and asks if this woman is his wife.
On Receiving Confirmation from the man, the Policeman says ,

"I regret that I have to tell you that it looks as if she has had a serious Accident.".

To which the man says, " I Know, But She Has A Lovely Personality"..

 

Two Businessmen were sitting down for a break in their ,Soon-To-Be-New Store.
As yet,the store was not ready,with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other,"I Bet any minute now some Old -Timer is going to walk by,put his face to the window, and ask what we are selling ?.

No Sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Senior Citizen walked to the window,had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,
"What are you Selling Here ?".

One of the men replied Sarcastically,
We're Selling " A** Holes".

Without Skipping A Beat, the Old - Timer said.

"Must Be Doing Well -----------------------I See You've Only Got Two Left"..

 

It's a ten minute walk from my house to the pub.

Weirdly, it's a two hour walk from the pub to my house.

 

Tory MP Andrew Mitchell denies calling a Policeman a "fu**ing pleb".

If anyone fancies burgling his house, now might be a good time.

 

____________________NEW WINE FOR SENIORS___________________________

California Vintners in the Napa Valley Area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc,
Pinot Noir ,and Pinot Grigio Wines, have developed a new Hybrid Grape that acts as a
Anti-Diuretic .

It is expected to reduce the number of trips to the Bathroom that older people have to make through the night.

The new Wine will be Marketed As----------Pinot More .

 

Two men pushing trolleys in the Supermarket collided at a cross aisle.

The first man said,"Sorry about that,I'm Looking for my wife and wasn't paying attention to where I was going".

The other man said,"That's a coincidence,I'm looking for my wife too ! maybe we could help each other,what does your wife look like?".

"She's 24, Blonde Hair,Green Eyes,Tall,Long Legs,Big Boobs, and she's wearing Tight white shorts and a top with no Bra,what does your wife look like?".


Doesn't Matter,Let's Look For Yours"..

 

Good morning everyone, just found this thread.
Jenny namaste
* * * * * * GETTING MARRIED IN HEAVEN * * * * * *



On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While anxiously waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Yet another month passed before St. Peter finallyreturned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out?

Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???​

 

Last Night,my Wife and I were sitting in the Living Room,and I said to Her,
"I Never Want to live in a Vegetative State",
"Dependent on some Machine and Fluids From A Bottle",
"If That Ever Happens, JUST PULL THE PLUG".

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my Vodka.
Swine !!!. .

 

"Jesus Loves You".

A Nice Gesture In Church,

A Horrific Thing To Hear In A Mexican Prison. .

 

Sports Direct to buy JJB Sports stores which will secure 1500 jobs.

Well, that's the Chav's and the Polish sorted for a while then.........

 

Told the wife "I've got a new job having sex live on stage."
She said, "Are u having me on?"
I replied, "I'll ask my boss, but so far they've all been thin and pretty!"

Rusty

 

A wealthy man of 70 married a stunningly beautiful woman of 25. When his mates asked him how he managed to pull her he said 'I lied about my age - by 20 years'. They said 'so you told her you were 50?' He replied 'no, 90'.