A joke or two.

Drunk man needs a push



A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on their front door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin'well pouring with rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk
__________________

 

Men Are Just Happier People





NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah .

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.



EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in£20, even though it's only for £32.50.

None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.



MONEY

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.



BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is337.

A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.



ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a newargument.



CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kickcats.



FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.



SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife canspend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.



NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.



OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.

She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
__________________

 

Mary's going into church on Sunday, trailing a tow of kids behind her.

Sees the priest on the way in. "Ah, Father, I'm pregnant again," she says, "It must be something in the air."

"I know what's in the air," says Fr. Murphy, "Your legs!"

 

Near my house lives a really hot deaf girl. I often see her walking her dog while I'm out walking mine. Wanting to start a conversation, I started learning sign language. I tried to learn 'You are beautiful and I'd love to take you out for dinner.'
That was hard, so I trained my dog to shag hers and I just pointed.

 

Worlds Oldest Cafe--- Judas's Carryout
Did The Catering For The Last Supper..

 

"I've Just Fitted Strobe Lights In The Bedroom"
"It Makes The Wife Look Like She's Moving During Sex".

 

A Golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the Golf Course.
As he goes to get it, a man in the yard says ,
"Don't you see the sign ?, it says,Private Property Stay Out".

The Golfer Says "I'm very sorry I did not see it, that's my ball there,may I have it please ?".

The man says,its in my yard and so it's my ball now".

The Golfer looks at the man and says, " I understand".

He then walks back to the Golf Cart and gets another golf ball,then walks back and throws it into the yard.

The man says, "what is that for "?.

The Golfer replies," I consider myself a Gentleman, and I believe Every,

Pr**k Should Have Two Balls"

 

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, and air fresheners were hung everywhere!

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move and put the house up for sale.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and, eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house.

She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and, within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the Moving company pack everything to take to their new home,including the curtain rods.

 

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner
after 25 years in a Tipperary parish. A leading local
politician and member of the congregation was
chosen to make the presentation and give a little
speech at dinner. He was delayed, so the priest
decided to say his own few words while they were waiting.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the
first confession I heard here. I thought I had been
assigned to a terrible place. The very first person
who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a
television set and, when questioned by the police, was
able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money
from his parents, embezzled from his employer,
had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal
drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But
as the days went on I knew that my people were not all
like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish
full of good and loving people.".....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician
arrived full of apologies at being late. He
immediately began to make the presentation and gave
his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish
priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had
the honour of being the first one to go to him in
confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE.

 

This is a data base of old school photographs.

There is a fairly good chance your old school photographs could be archived here.

http://www.worldschoolphotographs.com/

I think a lot of people haven't changed that much really. Show us yours and we'll have a laugh!

 

A plane was taking off from Shannon recently and when it reached it's cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Liam Walsh. Welcome to Flight 293, Shannon to Heathrow. The weather ahead is good and therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax and...............Oh! My God!!!!!!

Silence followed and after a good few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the stewardess brought me a cup of coffee and unfortunately spilled it into my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!"

A voice from the back shouts up, "That's nothing! You should see the back of mine !!!! "

 

A hooded robber burst into a Bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door a customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robbers face.
The robber shot the customer without any hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking at him,the robber instantly shot him.
Everyone else,by now were very scared,and looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled,"well did anyone else see my face?".
There was utter silence as everyone was afraid to speak.

Then one man tentatively raised his hand and said,--------------









"I Think My Wife May Have Caught A Glimpse Of You".

 

A man had great tickets for the FA Cup Final.

As he takes his seat, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting beside him.
"No," he says, "it's empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final and not use it?"

The first man says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first FA Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh!.....I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or a relative or even a neighbour - to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

 

Anyone from the audience from the Gorbals here?

Oh! good! I can tell this one then without being lynched.

Saint Peter is at the Pearly Gates when forty people from the Gorbals show up.
Never having seen anyone from the Gorbals at heaven's door before, Saint Peter said he'd have to check with God first.

After hearing the news, God instructed Saint Peter to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.

A few minutes later, Saint Peter rushed back into God, breathless and said "They're gone!"

"What?" said God. "All the Gorbals people are gone?"

"NO!" said Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates! The Pearly Gates are gone!"

 

They sat down upon the riverbank,
He was all a quiver,
He undid her suspender belt,
and.......her leg fell in the river!