A joke or two.

I knew I'd heard that tale in a comedy song. I can't listen to it right now but i bet this is the one

 

These damned cycle paths get everywhere!

 

Over the dinner table the wife said to me, "Watch it, there's a fly on your dinner." As she prepared to shoo it away.

I said, "No leave it, it's the only thing on the plate that isn't f****** burnt."

 

"After costing us a fortune over the years, I hope Abu Hamza rots in jail over in America."

Said Mr.P.Smith, a hook a duck stall holder from Finsbury Park, London.

 

Why do people care so much about x-factor?
I mean if i wanted to watch a bunch of talent-less rejects pine for my vote i'd go to Westminster!

 

As a young bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with this area, I got lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the JCB and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul
As I played the workers began to weep. I played, and I played, like I'd never played before: From "My Home" & "The Lord is my Shepherd" to "Flowers of the Forest " . I closed the lengthy session with "Amazing Grace" and walked to my car.As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, " I never seen anything like that before - and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

 

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

 

Test for Dementia


Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....



First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?





















Answer:
If you answered that you are first, then you are

absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!


Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but


don'ttake as much time as you took for the first question, OK?


Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
































Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?



You're not very good at this, are you?















Third Question:

Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it..





Take


1000and add 40to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30 .

Add another


1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000

Now add 10. What is the total?


















Did you get 5000 ?



The correct answer is actually 4100.





If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
Maybe.




Fourth Question:



Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?























Did you Answer Nunu?
NO!Of course it isn't.
Her name is




Mary. Read the question again!




Okay, now the bonus round:



A


mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By

imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?


































He just has to open his mouth and ask....

It's really


very simple.. Like you!