A joke or two.

Job of a lifetime

TRUE STORY: Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park where cars and coaches can park. There was also a nice bloke with a hat and ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5. This parking attendant worked there for about 25 years , then one day didn't turn up for work...

Ho hum say Bristol Zoo management- Better phone up Bristol City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant......

Err no say the Council...That car park is your responsibility...

Err no say Bristol Zoo the attendant was employed by you
wasn't he....Err NO!!!!

Sitting in his villa in Spain is a bloke who had been taking the car park takings for Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years...

 

My husband was useless...!!

 

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church.
He enters the confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally ,the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The Drunk mumbles,"Ain't no use knocking,there's no paper on this side either".

 

Husband took his wife to a disco at the weekend.
There was a guy on the dance floor making all the moves,Break dancing,Moonwalking,
Back Flips,The Works.
The Wife turns to her husband and says,
"See that guy?, 20 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down".
The Husband replies," Looks like he's still Celebrating !"..

 

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie."

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses".

 

And you all thought shoelaces were simple things.

Think again.

http://www.fieggen.com/shoelace/

 

I got a peanut stuck in my ear once, the doctor poured hot chocolate in, it came out a treat!

 

How to pay a bill. (or not. )

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=665847

 

The little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we are in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-through window. People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked. There have been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco.

Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall:

''Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?''

At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity.

Cade continued: ''Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh...Mommy! I'm trying to see In dere. Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get some candy!''

I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming new born when you need her? Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, ''Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some!''

''No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies...Oh! Mommy!''

He started to gag at this point.

''Uh - oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!''

As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall.. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the
subject. I began to reason with myself: OK There are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.

''Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going stinkies! Get up! Get up!''

He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door. ''Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da door? What were you wooking at? Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?''

More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation.
''Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy.'' He started pounding on the door. ''Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!''

I saw that my wait 'em out' plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud.

My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy? But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow.

 

School Exam Answers
These Questions and Answers are true - I believe!
Q: What is a vibration?
A: There are good vibrations and bad vibrations. Good vibrations were discovered in the 1960s.

Q: What is the chemical formula for water?
A: h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o (h to o). [This was marked wrong.]

Q: To change centimetres to metres you _____?
A: take out centi.

Q: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
A: At the bottom.

Q: Tapeworms are hermaphrodites. What is meant by the term "hermaphrodite"?
A: Lady Gaga.

Q: A star in the sky suddenly brightens to many times its original brightness and then fades gradually over the next several years. Hypothesize what happened in terms of a star's life cycle.
A: It just had a hot flash and is probably going through menopause.

Q: Give a reason why people would want to live near power lines.
A: You get your electricity faster.

 

Sniggering with tears in my eyes

 

Don't be getting ideas now, Zigs!

 

Just posted off a picture of a Badger to my credit card company,

 

When I was young I was scared of the dark.

Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights!