A joke or two.

A Father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The Father asks his son what he did that day.
The Son says," I did some school work".
The Robot slaps the Son.
The son says"Ok, Ok I was at a friends house watching Movies".

Dad asks"What Movies did you watch?".

Son says "Toy Story".
The Robot slaps the son.

Son says," Ok, Ok we were watching Porn".
Dad says."What?, at your age I didn't even know what Porn was".

The Robot Slaps The Father.

Mom Laughs and says, "Well He Certainly Is Your Son" .

The Robot Slaps The Mother.

ONE ROBOT FOR SALE.
____________________.

 

I don't believe these allegations against Jimmy Savile. I met him in Leeds General Hospital in the 1980s and he seemed very nice. Next people will be telling me he wasn't qualified to perform my prostate examination.
Jack McH

 

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked
if I could borrow a newspaper.
My son laughed and said 'This is the 21st century, old man,'
'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...

 

No, No, you've got it wrong.
That's a hatch that you lift and then turn on a valve in case H needs a wee while he's dead.

 

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was
constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter
immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet.

"Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after
dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Dublin.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood
nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to
explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black
panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a
black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

 

Felix Baumgartner's freefall has broken the previous world record, overtaking Rangers' descent to the fourth tier of Scottish football.

 

Two things I've been cursed with are a weak bladder, and terrible amnesia.

Still, this bottle of apple juice should take my mind off things.

 

Subject: The Frog

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep
her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and
searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this
ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked
at her.








He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME... YOU
WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'


The older lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else.
So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat
beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered
to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..'!





So! The older lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.





IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young,
handsome prince









THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLDER LADY'S KISS.


SUDDENLY THE OLDER LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW
CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLDER LADY TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS!



*

*

*

*






SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST Travelodge SHE COULD FIND!!!


She's older..... NOT BLOODY DEAD!!!!!
OLD LADIES ROCK

 

I feel sorry for the 50 thousand Polish fans who've made the trip and have to get a flight back to England tomorrow!

 

When u consider how many polish plumbers we've got in the uk, u'd have thought they'd have left a few to drain their football pitch!

 

When all the scrounging Polish come over to England our government is quick to put a roof over their heads. Would have been nice for them to return the favour this evening.!

 

In light of the latest problemsfacing the European currency,
e.g. Ireland and Portugal having had a bailout
Greece facing collapse and needing another bailout, a Belgian bank collapsing and now Italy teetering on the brink and possibly tipping Austria over the edge...

Should the UK adopt the Euro?

A cross-section survey of 10,000 people in Bolton , U.K. , made up of a representative sample of local citizens consisting of Afghans, Albanians, Pakistanis, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Bosnians, Turks, Moldovans, Latvians, Lithuanians, Bangladeshis, Ethiopians, Russians, Congolese and Zimbabweans were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency.

99.9% said no, they were happy with the Giro

 

Mother asks little Geoffrey, as they wait for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will go free.
As they get onto the bus the driver asks Johnny how old he is.
Little Geoffrey says "I am 4 years old".
"And when will you be six years old?"
asks the driver.
Little Geoffrey says "When I get off the bus."