A joke or two.

Could'nt stop laughing, some were terrible though.

Man is invited to a naked fancy dress party, after some thought the man blacks himself with soot, and fills his mouth with custard. He arrives at the party, after being asked what he has come as,he squashes his face, he say's ' A ZIT'

 

There was heavy snow in the front garden.
Mary was Kissing Goodnight to her Boyfriend,Mark.

Upstairs her father was watching out of the bedroom Window.
Suddenly he shouts out,"I'll Kill That Dirty Swine !!".

"What's Up "? asked his wife.
"Look ,he's peeing in the snow !, in MY front Garden.

The wife looks and smiles.

"That's all right" ,she says ,he's writing their names in a Heart,So Romantic".

After a minute the father explodes Again.


"Romantic My Backside !! That's being Written In Mary's Handwriting .

 

--------------------SUBJECT-SENIOR GOLF-------------------------------------------------------

Beverly is 90 years old.She's played Golf every day since her retirement 25 years ago.
One day she arrives home looking Sad..

"That's it," she tells her husband,Gus, " I'm giving up golf,my eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went".

Her husband makes her a cup of tea,and says,
"Why don't you take me with you and give it one more try?".

"That's no good ", sighs Beverly,"You're a hundred and three,you can't help" !!.

"I may be a hundred and three", say's Gus,"But my eyesight is perfect".

So the next day Beverly heads off to the golf course with Gus.
She tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

She turns to Gus and say's,"Did you see the ball?".
"Of course I did"!, replied Gus," I have perfect eyesight"!!

"Where did it go?" says Beverly,

"I don't remember," says Gus ..

 

I like that one,what about not having to pick up dirty clothes, and cleaning the tide mark in the bath. Shiney.

 

They sent my on-line Tax form back to me!
In response to question No. 4, "Do you have any dependents?", I replied :

* 1.1 million illegal immigrants,
* 0.5 million crack heads,
* 2 million unemployable people,
* 100,000 criminals in over 30 prisons, and
* 565 idiots in Parliament.

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer. Who did I miss?

 

Golf ethics

What if you were playing in the golf club championship tournament finals
and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honour and hit
your ball a modest 250 yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple
six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into
the woods to the right of the fairway.

Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for
his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your
opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in
time, I'll concede the match."

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about 10 feet from the
pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim
from deep in the woods: "I found it!" The second sound you hear is a click,
the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the
woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the
hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma: Do you pull the cheating sod's ball out of
your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?

 

You wont believe what I saw in the garden today.

A rat and a hedgehog were having a fight.

There was no clear winner, but in the end the hedgehog won on points.

 

A Redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.

Upon arriving he sits down, and the nurse says, "Congratulations, your wife
has had quins, 5 big baby boys."

The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a dick on me like a chimney."

The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, the
babies are black."

 

-----------------------------WHAT ARE CALORIES ?---------------------------------------------

Calories are the little Boogers that get into your Wardrobe at night and Sew your clothes Tighter.

My Wardrobe Is INFESTED with The Little Boogers.

 

If Mark Clattenburg did indeed make a racist remark then Chelsea will be left with no option but to make him captain!

 

I was in a bar on Saturday night... had a few... and I noticed two large
women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you
two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them chirped, "It's WALES you frigging idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from
Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember.