A joke or two.

Yesterday my daughter asked why i didn't do something useful with my time.
She suggested i go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when i got home last night i told her that i had joined a parachute club.
She said "are you nuts? you're over 75 yrs old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that i even got a membership card.
She said to me "you idiot,where are your glasses ! this is a membership to a prostitute club, not a parachute club !".

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do !.

I signed up for five jumps a week!.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier !.

 

(Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers).

I Was Packing for my business trip and my,
three year old daughter was having a,
wonderful time playing on the bed.
at one point she said "daddy look at this" and
stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, i reached out,
and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said,
"Daddy,s gonna eat your fingers",
pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and,
my daughter was standing on the bed staring,
at her fingers, with a Devastated look on her face.

I said"what's wrong honey"?.

She Replied,





"What Happened To My Bogey"?:(

 

My girlfriend said she was leaving me, due to my obsession with the 60s group,The Monkeys,
I thought she was joking........................... Then I Saw Her Face.

My Budgie broke his leg today, so i made him a little splint out of Swan Vestas,
His little face lit up when he tried to walk, Unfortunately,
I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

Last night i was sitting on the sofa watching T/V when my wife shouted from the kitchen,
"What would you like for Dinner My Love, chicken, beef , or lamb" ?,
I said " Thank you , I'll have chicken please ",
She Replied " Your having soup you Fat Git " !!!!!


I Was Talking To The CAT !!!!! .

 

I didn't think it was possible - but now I'm a Believer.

 

(Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives):WINK1:.

The Later You Are, The More Excited Your Dog Is To See You.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs wont wake you up at night to ask "If i died, would you get another one".

If a dog runs off and leaves you it wont take half your stuff.

Dogs find you amusing when your pissed.

 

The easiest way to find out if your dog loves you more than your wife is to lock both of them into the boot of your car for half an hour.

When you open the boot again, your dog is so delighted to see you that he is wagging his tail and is all about you, whereas your wife.....................................................
.........................

:D :D :D

 

This is just a friendly reminder about drinking and driving over the festive period. I went out last night and left my car at the pub and took the bus home. I am very proud of myself this morning as I have never driven a bus before.......
__________________

 

I entered a swimming competition & won the 100 metre butterfly, don't know where the hell i'm going to put it.

 

(Some Quotes).

"Smoking Kills,if you're killed you've lost a very important part of your life,".
(Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson anti smoking campaign).

--------------------------
" It isn't pollution that's harming the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it". ( Al Gore, Vice President).
------------------------
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective march 1992,because we received notice that you passed away.May god bless you. you may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances".

(Dept of social services Greenville South Carolina).

--------------------------
"That Lowdown Scoundrel Deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass"
" And i'm the one to do it " ( An American Senator).:WINK1:.

 

My new year's resolution is to improve my powers of concentra oh look a butterfly.

 

( I Love You In 10 Languages).

English --- I Love You.
Spanish----Te Amo.
French ---- Je T'AIME.
German---- Ich Liebe Dich.
Japanese---Ai Shitemasu.
Italian ----- Ti Amo.
Chinese ----- Wo Ai Ni.
Swedish----- Jag Alsker Dig.
Luthuanian--- As Tave Meliu.
Australian --- Nice T*ts , Get In The Truck !!!!.:WINK1:.

 

A South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQs, who have infrequent sexual activity, always read forums with their hand on the mouse.







Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late! :D :D :D :D :D

 

I'm addicted to brake fluid....




















but I can stop anytime!